10 Songs For When You Realise You Will Die Poor, Alone and Unloved

Happy Friday.

Hey Hey What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin
Timeless message:
Women will only cheat on you and hurt you.
Key Lyric:
In the bars where the men play guitars
Singin' drinkin' and rememberin' the times
My little lover does the midnight shift
She balls around all of the time

Time - Pink Floyd
Timeless message:
You are ageing with every passing second and will die before you accomplish anything of note.
Key lyric:
And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Don't Give Up - Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush
Timeless message:
If you're unemployed, you might as well be dead.
Key lyric:
No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Mother - Pink Floyd
Timeless message:
Your parents are evil and the world is a horrible, scary place.
Key lyric:
Hush now baby don't you cry
Mama's gonna make all of your
Nightmares come true
Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you
Mama's gonna keep you right here
Under her wing
She won't let you fly but she might let you sing
Mama will keep baby cosy and warm
Ooooh Babe Ooooh Babe Ooooh Babe
Of course Mama's gonna help build the wall

Oh Well (Part 1) - Fleetwood Mac
Timeless message:
If you're a complete failure, there's always misanthropy.
Key lyric:
I can't help about the shape I'm in
I can't sing I aint pretty and my legs are thin
But don't ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to

Porcelain - Moby
Timeless message:
She never wanted you.
Key lyric:
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me

High and Dry - Radiohead
Timeless message:
The only way you will achieve anything is by selling out and compromising on your principles.
Key lyric:
You'd kill yourself for recognition.
Kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror.
You're turning into something you are not

Hey Joe - Jimi Hendrix
Timeless message:
There has yet to be a problem that was so great that it couldn't be solved with a firearm.
Key lyric:
Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand
Hey Joe, I said where you goin' with that gun in your hand, oh
I'm goin' down to shoot my old lady
You know I caught her messin' 'round with another man

Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
Timeless message:
You will never be good enough for the people you care for.
Key lyric:
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

Mad World - Tears For Fears
Timeless message:
We are all sheep, merely going through the motions of our boring lives to avoid thinking about our inevitable deaths.
Key lyric:
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment or email me.

10 Great Songs From 10 Not-So-Great Films

The theater darkens, the credits begin, a stirring theme song plays. You settle back in your seat and think "Gee, this might actually be quite good after all . . ."
Two hours later you leave the cinema, pissed off and wanting your money back. This week's List is dedicated to those films that rely on that most underestimated marketing tool: The theme song.

The List sends a big shout out to Mr T of Golders Green, whose assistance was invaluable in figuring out how to embed the Youtube videos seen below into the post.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me - U2
From the film Batman Forever (1995)
The song:
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me was an unfinished track from U2's 1993 concept album Zooropa. The lyrics deal with commercialism and empty celebrity, making the song a good thematic bridge between Zooropa and the band's next album, Pop. So then, nothing at all to do with a millionaire playboy who dresses up as a giant bat to fight criminals?
But the film:
In 1995, Warner Bros. studio executives were concerned that the commercial failure of 1993's Batman Returns threatened the survival of their lucrative Batfranchise. Their solution? Throw Batshitloads of money at the Batproblem and hope it would Batsolve itself. The resulting Joel Schumacher-directed Batman Forever was camp, garish, nonsensical trash. How trashy? They put nipples on the batsuit, ferchrissakes!


Shaft - Isaac Hayes
From the film Shaft (1971)
The song:
Isaac Hayes's Shaft is one of the greatest movie theme songs of all time, winning the Oscar for best song in 1971. Its funky guitars and Hayes's smooth-as-silk vocal delivery virtually transform the geekiest listener into the ultra-cool, slick "black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks . . . "
But the film:
The "blaxploitation" genre of the 1970s offered a chance for black film makers to make their mark on the industry. Ironically, however, the resulting films often featured characters that merely fulfilled odious racial stereotypes, much to the chagrin of civil rights activists. John Shaft, with his distrust of the 'honky government', juvenile sense of humour, and seemingly unquenchable sexual appetite, is a prime example of this paradox.

And speaking of blaxploitation . . .

Live and Let Die - Paul McCartney & Wings
From the film Live and Let Die (1973)
The song:
Paul McCartney submitted a demo of this song to the producers of the James Bond films on spec. In return for the use of his song, McCartney, a huge Bond fan, wanted a cameo in the film. A compromise was reached whereby singer BJ Arnau gave the song a feminine rendition mid-film. The song was nominated for an Oscar and has become the signature song for McCartney's post-Beatles career.
But the film:
Live and Let Die was Roger Moore's debut as James Bond. The Bond films have always closely followed cinema trends, and Live and Let Die was no different, capitalising on the popularity of the 70s blaxploitation genre. The result is a mess that panders to all the cliches of that genre: drug trafficking, obnoxious white authority figures, afros, pimpmobiles, and even voodoo.

From the first Roger Moore Bond flick to the last . . .

A View to a Kill - Duran Duran
From the film A View to a Kill (1985)
The song:
All synth-pop and nonsensical lyrics, A View to a Kill stands as one of the raddest songs of the 80s. It holds the distinction of being the only James Bond theme song to reach number 1 on the American Billboard Hot 100 countdown.
But the film:
Roger Moore's final outing as 007 was clearly one too many. Moore was 57 years old when the film was made, and one can almost hear his zimmer frame groaning under the strain of each poorly-edited action sequence. Neither does it help that the plot was lifted wholesale from the earlier, far superior, Goldfinger.

And speaking of ageing action stars . . .

Welcome to the Jungle - Guns 'n' Roses
From the film The Dead Pool (1987)
The song:
Welcome to the Jungle was inspired by an encounter a young Axl Rose had with a homeless man in the Bronx, who, in a clearly redundant attempt to intimidate the skinny little runt, yelled "You know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, you're gonna die!" The song was released as part of Appetite for Destruction, became an instant hard rock classic, and was adopted by Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood for his next film . . .
But the film:
The Dead Pool is a textbook illustration of Hollywood's law of diminishing returns. The fourth sequel to Dirty Harry saw a 58-year-old Clint Eastwood return to the role of Detective Harry Callahan. The director, Buddy Van Horn, was Clint's long-serving stunt double, and it shows. The plot involves a series of celebrity murders and Harry Callahan, a creation of the 70s, fits the glitzy world of 80s showbusiness as poorly as a cheap polyester suit.


Sweet Talkin' Candyman - The Carrie Nations (aka Stu Phillips & Lynn Carey)
From the film Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)
The song:
Sweet Talkin' Candyman is a pleasing, upbeat light-psychedelic rock number and easily the best thing about Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
But the film:
Nowadays considered a camp classic, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is the best-known of trash merchant Russ Meyer's films. Dolls isn't one of Meyer's usual tits-and-violence fixated creations. That's not to say Dolls doesn't have it's fair amount of offensive trash. Indeed, the film culminates in the shock revelation (during a Nazi-themed fancy dress party) that evil record producer Z-Man, whom everyone had presumed to be merely an overtly camp gay man, is in fact "a chick! A really ugly chick!" I shit you not.
Roger Ebert, the film critic who somehow garnered a co-writing credit on Dolls, calls it "a movie that got made by accident when the lunatics took over the asylum."


(Can't You) Trip Like I Do - Filter and The Crystal Method
From the film Spawn (1997)
The song:
Spawn: The Album is notable for being one of the first soundtrack albums to recieve as much marketing as its parent film. A gimmick of the album was that each track was a collaboration between a popular rock band and a DJ or producer, the best of which was this offering. Filter fit lyrics and guitar riffs to the Crystal Method's Trip Like I Do, and the result is gratifyingly harsh.
But the film:
The film . . . Oh God, the film. What's the worst thing about it? Take your pick from the incomprehensible screenplay, John Leguizamo's obnoxious performance as the film's villain, Martin Sheen's 'I'm-only-here-for-the-catering' turn as a corrupt government official, and the CGI Satan that can't close its mouth.


It's Probably Me - Sting and Eric Clapton
From the film Lethal Weapon 3 (1992)
The song:
Eric Clapton had produced guitar-heavy blues scores for the first two Lethal Weapon movies. Offered the chance to perform a theme song for the third film, Clapton collaborated with Sting to produce this bluesy, melancholic rumination on friendship and regret.
But the film:
The rot of formulaism had well and truly set into the Lethal Weapon franchise by this stage, exemplified by the pointless elevation of Joe Pesci's character Leo Getz from minor comic relief to a more substantial supporting role. It was only downhill from here; the less said about the awful Lethal Weapon 4, the better.


The Look of Love - Dusty Springfield
From the film Casino Royale (1967)
The song:
Written by Burt Bacharach, Dusty Springfield made this song a hit in 1967 with her slow, sultry rendition. The song was nominated for an Oscar, and the fact that Springfield was a closeted lesbian lends the lyrics extra poignance. The Youtube video below sets the song to scenes from the TV series The L-Word.
But the film:
The 1967 James Bond spoof Casino Royale is a legendarily bad film. Originally intended to be a serious adaptaition of the original Ian Fleming novel, producer Charles K Fledman was unable to sway Sean Connery away from the official Bond movies. Believing he could not compete with the clout of the Connery films, Feldman instead decided to lampoon the Bond series. The resulting film was marred by on-set ego clashes and constant script rewrites. Stars Peter Sellers and Orson Welles refused to shoot their scenes at the same time - problematic given that a card game between their characters was central to the plot! No fewer than 6 directors and 10 writers (including Sellers, Woody Allen, Terry Southern and Billy Wilder) worked on the film, to no avail.


Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears For Fears
From the film Real Genius (1985)
The song:
One of the iconic songs of the 80s, Everybody Wants to Rule the World was Tears For Fears first No. 1 hit in America. The lyrics deal with media manipulation of the facts and the inevitable cynicism that results.
But the film:
An obnoxious, contradictory attempt to combine the teen frat-house comedy genre with a form of socially conscious commentary, Real Genius fails on both fronts. The story concerns a 15-year old prodigy who, recently enrolled at a thinly-disguised Caltech, tries to juggle his studies with his social life. He is aided by the resident "cool" geek Val Kilmer, and hindered by the CIA's attempt to exploit the school's students research and build an orbital laser weapon. Yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. How do the genius brats solve the situation? Why, by using said laser weapon to pop a huge container of popcorn kernels secreted in the killjoy dean's house, of course. Gee, that'll sure teach the CIA to stop messing about in the third world.


Agree? Disagree? Please leave a comment or email me.

10 Films as Analogies

Ever get the feeling that the movie you're watching is saying more than it's really saying? That there's some hidden meaning? As if the movie itself is cracking a joke and everyone else in the audience is in on it but you (I mean, aside from your usual paranoia)? Well, fear no more! Brush up on this week's List and learn the hidden meaning behind your favourite films! Impress your friends, or your money back!

The List's standard movie spoiler warning:
Today's List involves a discussion of movies. In the course of the discussion, important plot points about the movies may be disclosed. If you're the kind of person who hates finding out what happens before you see a movie, read the following at your own risk!

Fatal Attraction
What's it about?
Happily-married-but-horny Michael Douglas goes out of town and has a sizzling, sex-in-the-elevator one-night stand with Glenn Close. Unfortunately for Mikey, she's nuts, and doesn't take too kindly to him going home to his wife and kids. She sets out to knock off his family one by one starting (as one does) with the pet rabbit.
An analogy for . . .
. . . the dangers of promiscuity in the AIDS era. How 80s!
Say what?
Douglas's supposedly harmless indiscretion literally follows him home and endangers the lives of his nearest and dearest.

Aliens
What's it about?
In the future, a platoon of cocky "ab-so-lute-ly BAD ass" space marines are sent out to investigate a colony that has lost contact with Earth. Long story short, they mostly get eaten. Mostly.
An analogy for . . .
. . . the 'Nam.
Say what?
Director James Cameron had just completed the screenplay for the return-to-Vietnam Reagan-era wet dream that was Rambo: First Blood Part II when he started work on this sequel to Alien, and it shows. The film is drenched in Vietnam War imagery, from the look of the marines' weapons and body armour, to the helicopter-like 'dropship', to the claustrophobic tunnel action scenes, right down to the end result. The marines get their "ab-so-lute-ly BAD asses" handed to them.

Southern Comfort
What's it about?
In 1973, a platoon of cocky US National Guard soldiers get lost whilst on maneuvers in a Louisiana bayou. Bored and wanting some cheap laughs, they prank some of the local cajun population by firing blanks at them. Bad news: The cajuns don't take kindly to pranks and begin to kill the soldiers. Worse news: blanks are the only ammunition the soldiers have.
An analogy for . . .
. . . the 'Nam. Yes, again.
Say what?
Sure, Deliverance did the trapped-in-hillbilly-country thing better, but the political message of Southern Comfort is more direct: In unfamiliar country, fighting an enemy speaking a language you don't know, and a culture you don't understand, you're gumbo.

The Quiet Earth
What's it about?
Bruno Lawrence, a New Zealand scientist, wakes up after a suicide attempt to discover he appears to be the last person on Earth. Everyone else seems to have spontaneously disappeared. Could it have something to do with the top secret experiment he was doing for the United States Government?
An analogy for . . .
. . . New Zealand's then-burgeoning anti-nuclear policy (the film was made in 1985), and the price of taking a solitary path.
Say what?
For Bruno, read NZ. "The Americans" (as they are unsubtly described throughout the film) have been a-tamperin' with forces beyond their control, against our objections, with apparently apocalyptic results. Bruno's ultimate isolation at the conclusion of the film mirrored New Zealand's, both geographically and militarily, as the ANZUS defence treaty collapsed.

High Noon
What's it about?
Gary Cooper, a sherriff in the Old West, learns on the day of his retirement that a murderer he sent to the gallows has been paroled. He's returning to town and when he arrives, he and his gang plan to settle the score. The sherriff appeals for help from the townfolk who, one by one, abandon him to face his fate alone.
An analogy for . . .
. . . McCarthyist paranoia and the 'blacklisting' of those in the film industry suspected of having a communist agenda.
Say what?
Cooper's sherriff is a good man, who appeals to the other 'good' men of his town for aid. The hypocritical townfolk reject him, more concerned with saving their own skins than in defending a man who has helped them in times past.

The Astronaut's Wife
What's it about?
Charlize Theron is married to astronaut Johnny Depp. But after an accident during a spacewalk, Johnny returns to Earth . . . strange. The weirdness only increases after Charlize falls pregnant, and she slowly comes to suspect that the person who came back to Earth might not be her husband at all.
An analogy for . . .
. . . the anxieties of first time motherhood.
Say what?
At the heart of this horror film is Theron's character's terror that the thing growing inside her will consume and overwhelm her. Her anxieties mirror those of expectant mother's suffering from prenatal depression.

The Bridge on the River Kwai
What's it about?
In Malaysia during World War II, a stubborn POW British Colonel (Alec Guinness) clashes with the commanding officer of his Japanese captors. The Japanese want a bridge built, and they want to use the Allied POWs as labour to build it. After initially resisting, Guinness begins to view the construcion of the bridge as a challenge. Much to the confusion of the Japanese commander, he begins to take to the task with enthusiasm . . .
An analogy for . . .
. . . the rise and fall of the British Empire.
Say what?
The Malaysian jungle is presented as unforgiving, harsh, primal, raw and primitive - just as how the British Empire saw the uncivilised world. To Guinness's character, the construction of the bridge represents progress, industry - the impressing of Britain's will and, therefore, civilisation, upon an untamed world. The bridge's eventual spectacular destruction draws more sympathy for the misguided Guinness than any other response.

Invasion of the Bodysnatchers
What's it about?
In small town America, a Doctor learns that people have been disappearing and are being replaced with impostors. These impsotors are indistinguishable from the people they have replaced, bar for one unsettling feature - they lack all emotion. The doctor investigates further, and quickly discovers that the impostors are not of this world . . .
An analogy for . . .
. . . well, you've got two choices. Either it's about the feared loss of individualism that communism would bring, or it's a satire of the rabid Cold War-era anti-communist paranoia. Either way, it's all about the commies!
Say what?
The screenwriter, Daniel Mainwaring, was himself a blacklisted screenwriter, which suggests the intention was the latter. On the other hand, the director, Don Siegel, was well known for his aggressive right-wing views (how aggressive? Siegel would later direct Dirty Harry), which suggests the intention was the former.

Spartacus
What's it about?
In the time of Ancient Rome, a gladiator breaks free of his bondage. He begins a war against the Roman oppressors, and, freeing slaves as he goes, is soon leading a massive army that threatens the gates of Rome itself.
An analogy for . . .
. . . a call to arms for socialist revolution. It's those damn commies again!
Say what?
The plot could've fallen out of Karl Marx's manifesto. The film fairly drips with anti-captitalist sentiment. The slaves are all salt-of-the-earth multi-skilled folk on whom the Roman economy depends and who want nothing more than to return home. The historical fact that Spartacus's slave army took slaves for themselves is conveniently ignored.

The Green Mile
What's it about?
A simple, hulking black man, John Coffey, is wrongfully convicted of raping and killing two girls in 1930s Louisiana. He is sentenced to death. While waiting on Death Row, it becomes obvious to his guards that he is no killer, and he soon begins to display extraordinary healing powers.
An analogy for . . .
. . . Jesus Horatio Christ himself.
Say what?
John Coffey is a saintly, gentle man with the ability to cure through touch (in one scene he cures a woman of cancer; in another he resurrects a dead mouse) who is wrongfully convicted of a crime and sentenced to death. Need any more evidence? Check out his initials. As Stephen King, the author of the novel on which the film is based, once wrote, "What is this, rocket science? I mean, come on, guys."

10 Funny-Sounding Terrorist Organisations

"Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?"
"Fuck off! . . . We're the People's Front of Judea."

- Monty Python's Life of Brian

My Oxford Paperback Dictionary defines terrorism as the "use of violence and intimidation, especially for political purposes." I guess the following terorrists didn't read the bit about intimidation.

The Squamish Five
Country of origin:
Canada.
What makes them funny:
"Squamish" . . . eww. I don't even want to know what that word means. The addition of 'Five' makes them sound like they've fallen out of an Enid Blyton novel. Fortunately in 1982, they realised how unappealing their name was. Unfortunately, they missed the point and changed it to The Wimmin's Fire Brigade.
What I imagine them to be like:
Well, they're Canadian, and evidently not very bright, so I guess they'd look kinda like this:


Red Hand Commandos
Country of origin:
Northern Ireland.
What makes them funny:
Their name sounds like a euphemism for some unhygienic combination of masturbation and going without underwear.
What I imagine them to be like:
A bunch of pimply, bespectacled teenagers with hairy palms wearing suspiciously stained dirty brown raincoats. Their patron saint is probably this guy:


The Real IRA
Country of origin:
Republic of Ireland.
What makes them funny:
They're the real IRA. 'Cos, y'know, all those other IRAs are just phonies.
What I imagine them to be like:
"Y'know something Seamus?"
"What's that, Paddy?"
"I've had it with the IRA. These days it's all "ceasefire" this, "Good Friday Agreement" that, and "non-violent resistance" the other. I ask ya, Seamus, what happened to the concept of a hard day's work of kneecapping proddies?"
"I see what y'mean Paddy. Sounds like the young'uns don't have th'bottle for't."
"'Tain't that, Seamus, 'tain't that. The lads are still keen for irrational, blinkered hatred and violence. I've been speaking with some o'the lads and we all think we just need a change of image. A little . . . whatchamacallit . . . rebranding. Something to draw the kids back."
"Y'mean, like a change of name? To show that we're still the IRA that we grew up with, with the same violence, brutality, and organised crime, and none of this "peace-talks" shite? That we're the real IRA?"

"That's it! You're a feckin jaynius Seamus! The Real IRA!"
"That's right Paddy! 'Cos all the other IRAs are gobshites!"

The Freedomites
Country of origin:
Canada.
What makes them funny:
The "Freedomites"? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. What, are they eight year olds or something?
What I imagine them to be like:
A bunch of geeky kids playing transformers - kinda like this guy:


Al-Qaeda in Iraq
Country of origin:
Erm . . . Iraq.
What makes them funny:
The name smacks of trademark infringement. And let's face it - if you need to put the country in which you are operating in your name, you probably aren't doing the best job of being a terrorist.
What I imagine them to be like:
"Hello, Al-Jazeera News Network, how may I help you?"
"Hello. Uh, I mean, listen up because I will say this only once. We have captured an American journalist on suspicion of being a CIA agent and for spying on behalf of the United States and Israel. If our demands are not met within five days, we shall-"
"Sorry sir, but where were you from again?"
"Erm . . . al-Qaeda."
"Right . . . is that with an 'A' or an 'E'?"
"Umm . . . look, here's the deal. We're not actually al-Qaeda . . . I mean, we are al-Qaeda, we just can't say that we're the al-Qaeda, y'know? Osama's lawyers sent us a letter. Something to do with breach of trade mark, passing off, and franchise agreements. Anyway, our guys spoke to Osama's guys, and we reached a deal."
"Right."
"The gist of it is, we've got to somehow distinguish ourselves from, y'know, the al-Qaeda."
"You mean, from the proper al-Qaeda?"
"Righ- No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean, we are al-Qaeda, got that? We're as al-Qaeda as they come. We've got the right to say that, too - it was part of the settlement. It's just that - well, Hameed explained it to me one day, and this is how I understand it - I mean, Osama, Ayman, Abu - all those guys - they've worked damn hard to create the al-Qaeda brand, right?"
"Right."
"So, like, it'd be totally unfair if guys like us, y'know, just starting out, were to take advantage of all that hard work, right?"
"Right."
"So at the end of the day, it's only fair for us to, err . . . "
"Distinguish?"
"Yeah, distinguish ourselves from them. Not to say that we aren't part of, y'know, the whole umbrella structure. The larger al-Qaeda scheme of things. 'Cos we are, big time."
"Right. So, where are you from again?"
"Umm . . . Iraq."
"Lemme just write that down . . . al-Qaeda . . . in Iraq. How do you spell that?"

Moro Islamic Liberation Front
Country of origin:
Phillipines.
What makes them funny:
Sorry, but I can't take seriously any organisation whose initials are "MILF". It also sounds as if their cause is the worldwide liberation of chocolate bars from the yoke of American imperialism.
What I imagine them to be like:
A group of balaclava-wearing Phillipino frat boys, doing beer bongs, standing around a portrait of Michelle Pfeiffer or Jane Seymour, chanting "MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!"

People Against Gangsterism and Drugs
Country of origin:
South Africa.
What makes them funny:
They sound so damn quaint. It's like a name your nana would come up with.
What I imagine them to be like:
A coalition of cardigan-wearing, zimmer-frame wielding superannuitants, with Mary Whitehouse as their leader. Armed with automatic weapons.


The Weathermen
Country of origin:
United States of America.
What makes them funny:
This communist revolutionary group from the 60s apparently named themselves after a lyric from a Bob Dylan song. I'm sure that struck fear into the hearts of the decadent capitalist imperialists who control America.
What I imagine them to be like:
Jim Hickey, Augie Auer and Brendan Horan standing around in tie-dye t-shirts, smoking dope, arguing about whether the Grateful Dead are really better than Strawberry Alarm Clock, clutching AK-47s.

Janjaweed
Country of origin:
Sudan.
What makes them funny:
Because when you say it with a Jamaican accent, people will assume you're talking about marijuana. Go ahead, try it.
What I imagine them to be like:
Pretty much like these guys:

Armed Islamic Group
Country of origin:
Algeria.
What makes them funny:
Most. Unimaginative. Terrorists. Ever.
What I imagine them to be like:
"What's that you're reading, Yousuf?"
"A letter. From Osama's lawyers. They say that Al-Qaeda in Algeria has already been taken."
"You're kidding! That's the fifth name we've tried! What's the next one on our list?"
"Umm . . . That's it. No more names. Wait a second - there is something here, back from our original brainstorming session. Under 'What We Want To Be' it says 'Armed Islamic group.'"
"Really? Jesus. Um . . . fuck it, it'll do."

Agree? Disagree? Requests? Death threats? Post a comment or email me.

10 Misunderstood Songs

Not songs where the lyrics are commonly misheard, but rather songs where the underlying meaning has either been misunderstood or wilfully ignored.

Hey Joe - Jimi Hendrix
People think . . .
. . . that it's an anti-conscription song protesting the Vietnam War. Y'see, his "old lady" represents the third world, the "other man" she's been messin' around with is international communism, and he's "goin' down to Mexico" to dodge the draft, et cetera et cetera.
But really . . .
. . . it's an old-fashioned narrative blues song, written well before the escalation of America's involvement in Vietnam, which tells the story of a man who shoots his unfaithful wife before going on the lam.

Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones
People think . . .
. . . that it's about the Vietnam War, mainly due to its appropriation by films like Full Metal Jacket and the TV series Tour of Duty.
But really . . .
. . . it's simply a song about a guy who's depressed after his girlfriend has died.

In the Air Tonight - Phil Collins
People think . . .
. . . that Phil Collins wrote this song after watching a man leave someone to drown. After spending several years dogged by the memory, Phil tracks the man down and invites him to one of his concerts. Phil then dedicates this song to the stranger and focusses the spotlight on him while he plays the song. The guy is so moved by the song that he either becomes a born-again Christian or commits suicide (depending on which version you hear). This urban legend has sucked in a surprising number of otherwise intelligent, rational people.
But really . . .
. . . Collins himself has said that the song is about his divorce. And c'mon folks, this is Phil Collins we're talking about. Phil bloody Collins.

Hotel California - The Eagles
People think . . .
. . . that all the biblical imagery used in the song point towards a religious meaning. Interpretations range from Faustian pact-making through evangelical warnings about the oncoming apocalypse toallegations that the song is in praise of Satan worship.
But really . . .
. . . the Eagles intended the song to be a read as a satire of the soul-destroying, back-stabbing LA music industry. The titular hotel isdescribed as a gilded prison from which, once entered, one can never escape.

Born in the USA - Bruce Springsteen
People think . . .
. . . that this song is a jingoistic celebration of how great it is tobe American. Apparently it inspired such patriotism that the Republicans courted Springsteen for his endorsement during Ronald Reagan's re-election campaign in 1984. U-S-A! U-S-A!
But really . . .
. . . the song is a bitter condemnation of America's involvement in Vietnam. Springsteen originally wrote the song as a quiet, downbeat ballad, but was encouraged to release it as an upbeat pop single forcommercial reasons. As recently as 2003, anti Iraq War demonstrators inAmerica have been met by counterdemonstrators singing Born in the USA. Just like energy, irony never dies - it's merely converted into another form.

Every Breath You Take - The Police
People think . . .
. . . that this is a sedate love ballad, written from the perspective of someone recently deceased who is watching on from heaven.
But really . . .
. . . it's quite a dark song that describes behaviour reminiscent of stalking. Sting wrote the song while he was breaking up (messily) with his wife, and the lyrics reflect a dark mood of possessiveness and vindictiveness.

Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
People think . . .
. . . that this is a parochial song about all that's good about the great state of Alabama.
But really . . .
. . . Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote the song as a response to Neil Young's Southern Man, which was critical of the South's racist, misogynist, 'good-ole-boy' image. Sweet Home Alabama is a defence of the South which, while acknowledging some of Young's criticisms, emphasises the good qualities of Southern folk. The band said of Young's song, "Neil shot all his ducks in a row when he was really aiming for just one or two." Young appreciated the response, and occassionally plays Sweet Home Alabama in concert.

99 Red Balloons - Nena
People think . . .
. . . yet another piece of catchy European syntho-fluff, in the samevein as the nonsensical Rock Me Amadeus. Those whacky Germans!
But really . . .
. . . it's about nuclear war. In the early 80s there were rumours thatearly warning detection systems on both sides of the Iron Curtain were so sensitive that even something as innocuous as a flock of birds could send the world's nuclear stockpiles into flight. Nena's band attended a Rolling Stones concert, during which a flotilla of red balloons were released into the sky. This inspired the ironic idea thatthe balloons could, in the midst of a cold war between nervous trigger-happy enemies, spark a nuclear exchange.

Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
People think . . .
. . . more mid-80s syntho-fluff! Those whacky guys, with their 'Frankie says Relax!' t-shirts, their keytars, and their piano-key ties! Or maybe that last bit was just from Zoolander.
But really . . .
. . . to be blunt, it's all about buggery. When the song became an unexpected hit in the UK and DJs finally cottoned on to what the lyrics meant, the BBC made a belated attempt to ban it from the airwaves. Of course, this action only resulted in an extended run at the top of the charts for the song.

White Riot - The Clash
People think . . .
. . . that, based on the Clash's punk-rock aesthetic, the song is an anthem for white supremacists.
But really . . .
. . . the song is a call-to-arms, but it's nothing to do with racism. The song's writer, Joe Strummer, was frustrated by the political apathyof Britain's white youth. He wrote the song as an exhortation for them to be more politically active, and to emulate their black counterparts by finding worthy causes to support.

Agree? Disagree? Comments? Requests? Please leave a comment or email me at frankie.dragon@gmail.com.

Introducing The List

Hi.

Back when blogs were still known as 'web logs,' just when the internet was fast realising it could be a superhighway for opinions as well as information, I had a not-very-original idea.

I wanted to set up a website on which I would expound my many and varied thoughts on movies, music, literature, sports, and pop culture in general. I would gain a cult underground following, critics would be impressed by my punchy, yet lyrical prose, offers to write professionally would roll in, I'd be invited to movie premieres, women would want me and men would want to be me.

Needless to say, due to various factors outside my control, it didn't work out that way.

Cut to modern day. Finding myself at a loose end and wanting a project to keep me occupied on weekends, I revisited the idea of imposing my opinions on an otherwise unsuspecting 'public'. And by virtue of your sheer bad luck in reading this blog, when I write 'public', I really mean 'you'.

So I'm starting The List. The List will be a weekly list of ten things (for want of a better word), linked by a single topic related to whatever I deem interesting enough to want to write about. Usually, this will be movies, music, or current affairs.

I don't want to think of The List as a 'top ten' or 'bottom ten' - that would presume some kind of hierarchical system that I have absolutely no interest in creating, maintaining or justifying ("I can't believe you think Commando has better Arnie one-liners than Predator!"). Neither will The List ever be a retelling of boring-as-fuck anecdotes. I want The List to be about opinions, not experiences.

Something I wrote sticks in your craw? Even better, something I wrote sparks your interest? Comments? Requests? Death threats? Please leave a comment. If you're too shy for that, feel free to email me at frankie.dragon@gmail.com.

Anyway, first instalment is coming up. Hope you enjoy it.

Cheers,
Frank