10 Funny-Sounding Terrorist Organisations
"Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?"
"Fuck off! . . . We're the People's Front of Judea."
- Monty Python's Life of Brian
My Oxford Paperback Dictionary defines terrorism as the "use of violence and intimidation, especially for political purposes." I guess the following terorrists didn't read the bit about intimidation.
The Squamish Five
Country of origin:
Canada.
What makes them funny:
"Squamish" . . . eww. I don't even want to know what that word means. The addition of 'Five' makes them sound like they've fallen out of an Enid Blyton novel. Fortunately in 1982, they realised how unappealing their name was. Unfortunately, they missed the point and changed it to The Wimmin's Fire Brigade.
What I imagine them to be like:
Well, they're Canadian, and evidently not very bright, so I guess they'd look kinda like this:
Red Hand Commandos
Country of origin:
Northern Ireland.
What makes them funny:
Their name sounds like a euphemism for some unhygienic combination of masturbation and going without underwear.
What I imagine them to be like:
A bunch of pimply, bespectacled teenagers with hairy palms wearing suspiciously stained dirty brown raincoats. Their patron saint is probably this guy:
The Real IRA
Country of origin:
Republic of Ireland.
What makes them funny:
They're the real IRA. 'Cos, y'know, all those other IRAs are just phonies.
What I imagine them to be like:
"Y'know something Seamus?"
"What's that, Paddy?"
"I've had it with the IRA. These days it's all "ceasefire" this, "Good Friday Agreement" that, and "non-violent resistance" the other. I ask ya, Seamus, what happened to the concept of a hard day's work of kneecapping proddies?"
"I see what y'mean Paddy. Sounds like the young'uns don't have th'bottle for't."
"'Tain't that, Seamus, 'tain't that. The lads are still keen for irrational, blinkered hatred and violence. I've been speaking with some o'the lads and we all think we just need a change of image. A little . . . whatchamacallit . . . rebranding. Something to draw the kids back."
"Y'mean, like a change of name? To show that we're still the IRA that we grew up with, with the same violence, brutality, and organised crime, and none of this "peace-talks" shite? That we're the real IRA?"
"Fuck off! . . . We're the People's Front of Judea."
- Monty Python's Life of Brian
My Oxford Paperback Dictionary defines terrorism as the "use of violence and intimidation, especially for political purposes." I guess the following terorrists didn't read the bit about intimidation.
The Squamish Five
Country of origin:
Canada.
What makes them funny:
"Squamish" . . . eww. I don't even want to know what that word means. The addition of 'Five' makes them sound like they've fallen out of an Enid Blyton novel. Fortunately in 1982, they realised how unappealing their name was. Unfortunately, they missed the point and changed it to The Wimmin's Fire Brigade.
What I imagine them to be like:
Well, they're Canadian, and evidently not very bright, so I guess they'd look kinda like this:
Red Hand Commandos
Country of origin:
Northern Ireland.
What makes them funny:
Their name sounds like a euphemism for some unhygienic combination of masturbation and going without underwear.
What I imagine them to be like:
A bunch of pimply, bespectacled teenagers with hairy palms wearing suspiciously stained dirty brown raincoats. Their patron saint is probably this guy:
The Real IRA
Country of origin:
Republic of Ireland.
What makes them funny:
They're the real IRA. 'Cos, y'know, all those other IRAs are just phonies.
What I imagine them to be like:
"Y'know something Seamus?"
"What's that, Paddy?"
"I've had it with the IRA. These days it's all "ceasefire" this, "Good Friday Agreement" that, and "non-violent resistance" the other. I ask ya, Seamus, what happened to the concept of a hard day's work of kneecapping proddies?"
"I see what y'mean Paddy. Sounds like the young'uns don't have th'bottle for't."
"'Tain't that, Seamus, 'tain't that. The lads are still keen for irrational, blinkered hatred and violence. I've been speaking with some o'the lads and we all think we just need a change of image. A little . . . whatchamacallit . . . rebranding. Something to draw the kids back."
"Y'mean, like a change of name? To show that we're still the IRA that we grew up with, with the same violence, brutality, and organised crime, and none of this "peace-talks" shite? That we're the real IRA?"
"That's it! You're a feckin jaynius Seamus! The Real IRA!"
"That's right Paddy! 'Cos all the other IRAs are gobshites!"
The Freedomites
Country of origin:
Canada.
What makes them funny:
The "Freedomites"? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. What, are they eight year olds or something?
What I imagine them to be like:
A bunch of geeky kids playing transformers - kinda like this guy:
Al-Qaeda in Iraq
Country of origin:
Erm . . . Iraq.
What makes them funny:
The name smacks of trademark infringement. And let's face it - if you need to put the country in which you are operating in your name, you probably aren't doing the best job of being a terrorist.
What I imagine them to be like:
"Hello, Al-Jazeera News Network, how may I help you?"
"Hello. Uh, I mean, listen up because I will say this only once. We have captured an American journalist on suspicion of being a CIA agent and for spying on behalf of the United States and Israel. If our demands are not met within five days, we shall-"
"Sorry sir, but where were you from again?"
"Erm . . . al-Qaeda."
"Right . . . is that with an 'A' or an 'E'?"
"Umm . . . look, here's the deal. We're not actually al-Qaeda . . . I mean, we are al-Qaeda, we just can't say that we're the al-Qaeda, y'know? Osama's lawyers sent us a letter. Something to do with breach of trade mark, passing off, and franchise agreements. Anyway, our guys spoke to Osama's guys, and we reached a deal."
"Right."
"The gist of it is, we've got to somehow distinguish ourselves from, y'know, the al-Qaeda."
"You mean, from the proper al-Qaeda?"
"Righ- No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean, we are al-Qaeda, got that? We're as al-Qaeda as they come. We've got the right to say that, too - it was part of the settlement. It's just that - well, Hameed explained it to me one day, and this is how I understand it - I mean, Osama, Ayman, Abu - all those guys - they've worked damn hard to create the al-Qaeda brand, right?"
"Right."
"So, like, it'd be totally unfair if guys like us, y'know, just starting out, were to take advantage of all that hard work, right?"
"Right."
"So at the end of the day, it's only fair for us to, err . . . "
"Distinguish?"
"Yeah, distinguish ourselves from them. Not to say that we aren't part of, y'know, the whole umbrella structure. The larger al-Qaeda scheme of things. 'Cos we are, big time."
"Right. So, where are you from again?"
"Umm . . . Iraq."
"Lemme just write that down . . . al-Qaeda . . . in Iraq. How do you spell that?"
Moro Islamic Liberation Front
Country of origin:
Phillipines.
What makes them funny:
Sorry, but I can't take seriously any organisation whose initials are "MILF". It also sounds as if their cause is the worldwide liberation of chocolate bars from the yoke of American imperialism.
What I imagine them to be like:
A group of balaclava-wearing Phillipino frat boys, doing beer bongs, standing around a portrait of Michelle Pfeiffer or Jane Seymour, chanting "MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!"
People Against Gangsterism and Drugs
Country of origin:
South Africa.
What makes them funny:
They sound so damn quaint. It's like a name your nana would come up with.
What I imagine them to be like:
A coalition of cardigan-wearing, zimmer-frame wielding superannuitants, with Mary Whitehouse as their leader. Armed with automatic weapons.
The Weathermen
Country of origin:
United States of America.
What makes them funny:
This communist revolutionary group from the 60s apparently named themselves after a lyric from a Bob Dylan song. I'm sure that struck fear into the hearts of the decadent capitalist imperialists who control America.
What I imagine them to be like:
Jim Hickey, Augie Auer and Brendan Horan standing around in tie-dye t-shirts, smoking dope, arguing about whether the Grateful Dead are really better than Strawberry Alarm Clock, clutching AK-47s.
Janjaweed
Country of origin:
Sudan.
What makes them funny:
Because when you say it with a Jamaican accent, people will assume you're talking about marijuana. Go ahead, try it.
What I imagine them to be like:
Pretty much like these guys:
"That's right Paddy! 'Cos all the other IRAs are gobshites!"
The Freedomites
Country of origin:
Canada.
What makes them funny:
The "Freedomites"? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. What, are they eight year olds or something?
What I imagine them to be like:
A bunch of geeky kids playing transformers - kinda like this guy:
Al-Qaeda in Iraq
Country of origin:
Erm . . . Iraq.
What makes them funny:
The name smacks of trademark infringement. And let's face it - if you need to put the country in which you are operating in your name, you probably aren't doing the best job of being a terrorist.
What I imagine them to be like:
"Hello, Al-Jazeera News Network, how may I help you?"
"Hello. Uh, I mean, listen up because I will say this only once. We have captured an American journalist on suspicion of being a CIA agent and for spying on behalf of the United States and Israel. If our demands are not met within five days, we shall-"
"Sorry sir, but where were you from again?"
"Erm . . . al-Qaeda."
"Right . . . is that with an 'A' or an 'E'?"
"Umm . . . look, here's the deal. We're not actually al-Qaeda . . . I mean, we are al-Qaeda, we just can't say that we're the al-Qaeda, y'know? Osama's lawyers sent us a letter. Something to do with breach of trade mark, passing off, and franchise agreements. Anyway, our guys spoke to Osama's guys, and we reached a deal."
"Right."
"The gist of it is, we've got to somehow distinguish ourselves from, y'know, the al-Qaeda."
"You mean, from the proper al-Qaeda?"
"Righ- No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean, we are al-Qaeda, got that? We're as al-Qaeda as they come. We've got the right to say that, too - it was part of the settlement. It's just that - well, Hameed explained it to me one day, and this is how I understand it - I mean, Osama, Ayman, Abu - all those guys - they've worked damn hard to create the al-Qaeda brand, right?"
"Right."
"So, like, it'd be totally unfair if guys like us, y'know, just starting out, were to take advantage of all that hard work, right?"
"Right."
"So at the end of the day, it's only fair for us to, err . . . "
"Distinguish?"
"Yeah, distinguish ourselves from them. Not to say that we aren't part of, y'know, the whole umbrella structure. The larger al-Qaeda scheme of things. 'Cos we are, big time."
"Right. So, where are you from again?"
"Umm . . . Iraq."
"Lemme just write that down . . . al-Qaeda . . . in Iraq. How do you spell that?"
Moro Islamic Liberation Front
Country of origin:
Phillipines.
What makes them funny:
Sorry, but I can't take seriously any organisation whose initials are "MILF". It also sounds as if their cause is the worldwide liberation of chocolate bars from the yoke of American imperialism.
What I imagine them to be like:
A group of balaclava-wearing Phillipino frat boys, doing beer bongs, standing around a portrait of Michelle Pfeiffer or Jane Seymour, chanting "MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!"
People Against Gangsterism and Drugs
Country of origin:
South Africa.
What makes them funny:
They sound so damn quaint. It's like a name your nana would come up with.
What I imagine them to be like:
A coalition of cardigan-wearing, zimmer-frame wielding superannuitants, with Mary Whitehouse as their leader. Armed with automatic weapons.
The Weathermen
Country of origin:
United States of America.
What makes them funny:
This communist revolutionary group from the 60s apparently named themselves after a lyric from a Bob Dylan song. I'm sure that struck fear into the hearts of the decadent capitalist imperialists who control America.
What I imagine them to be like:
Jim Hickey, Augie Auer and Brendan Horan standing around in tie-dye t-shirts, smoking dope, arguing about whether the Grateful Dead are really better than Strawberry Alarm Clock, clutching AK-47s.
Janjaweed
Country of origin:
Sudan.
What makes them funny:
Because when you say it with a Jamaican accent, people will assume you're talking about marijuana. Go ahead, try it.
What I imagine them to be like:
Pretty much like these guys:
Armed Islamic Group
Country of origin:
Algeria.
What makes them funny:
Most. Unimaginative. Terrorists. Ever.
What I imagine them to be like:
"What's that you're reading, Yousuf?"
"A letter. From Osama's lawyers. They say that Al-Qaeda in Algeria has already been taken."
"You're kidding! That's the fifth name we've tried! What's the next one on our list?"
"Umm . . . That's it. No more names. Wait a second - there is something here, back from our original brainstorming session. Under 'What We Want To Be' it says 'Armed Islamic group.'"
"Really? Jesus. Um . . . fuck it, it'll do."
Agree? Disagree? Requests? Death threats? Post a comment or email me.
Country of origin:
Algeria.
What makes them funny:
Most. Unimaginative. Terrorists. Ever.
What I imagine them to be like:
"What's that you're reading, Yousuf?"
"A letter. From Osama's lawyers. They say that Al-Qaeda in Algeria has already been taken."
"You're kidding! That's the fifth name we've tried! What's the next one on our list?"
"Umm . . . That's it. No more names. Wait a second - there is something here, back from our original brainstorming session. Under 'What We Want To Be' it says 'Armed Islamic group.'"
"Really? Jesus. Um . . . fuck it, it'll do."
Agree? Disagree? Requests? Death threats? Post a comment or email me.
posted by Frank at 2:39 pm
3 Comments:
You dare mock us? Now we gonna have to get jihad on your ass.
Stan
Al Qaeda in Algeria
The original version of this post stated the country of origin of Janjaweed to be Darfur. Of course, Darfur is not a country, it is instead a region of Sudan. Thanks to Mr S, Ms J and Ms D for pointing out the error, which has been corrected.
I am Prince Akeem of Nigeria. Hurry up and post a new list of your top 10 bank account numbers, wire me $10,000 to enable me to free up funds trapped in my Swiss bank account, and I will send you $5,000,000 in return.
Seriously though, I know you're overseas and what have you, but hurry up and post another list already.
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