Sunday, March 04, 2007

10 Notorious Egotists

The following people, be they successes or failures, madmen or philosophers, all have one thing in common: a hugely inflated sense of self-importance.

Friedrich Nietzsche - German philosopher
His autobiography, Ecce Homo, has chapters entitled "Why I Am So Wise," "Why I Am So Clever," "Why I Write Such Good Books," and, err, "Why I Am a Destiny." Nietzsche himself modestly described his book Thus Spake Zarathustra as "the deepest ever written." In Twilight of the Idols he coined the phrase "whatever does not kill me, makes me stronger," a motto since adopted by entire generations of moody, self-absorbed adolescents who have obviously never been kicked in the nuts.

William Shatner - Canadian actor
Believed himself to be universally loved, despite his Star Trek colleagues and co-stars going on public record that he was "a prima donna " (George Takei), and an "arrogant, egotisitical, line-stealing showboater" (James Doohan). Embarked on a doomed musical career in the 1970s, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance of Elton John's Rocketman at a 1978 science fiction convention:

Whilst writing his Star Trek memoirs in the 1980s, was actually surprised to discover his former cast mates thought him to be a vain, self-centered prima donna. Was sufficiently worried about his middle-aged spread that he went on a starvation diet prior to filming the first Trek movie. In later films, he insisted that his backside be airbrushed in post production so as to appear thinner on film. Despite these insecurities, was so assured of his own machismo, he attempted (unsuccessfully) to seduce much younger co-stars Persis Khambatta (a former Miss India) and Kirstie Alley. In the 1990s, authored a novel in which Captain Kirk (who had been killed off in the films) is resurrected and kicks the ass of the entire Next Generation crew. Appropriately, Trekkies have their own term for this novel and its sequels to distinguish it from "proper" Trek: "The Shatnerverse."

Doctor Uwe Boll - German director
The director of such legendary shitfests as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne, Uwe Boll's films are little more than vehicles for tax write-offs for European investors and are universally reviled. Nevertheless, he defends them with zeal, saving most of his broken-English venom for his critics who are "guys writing all the Internet bullshit about me and sitting in their houses where mommy pays for everything." Rejected a draft screenplay for Alone in the Dark on the basis that it didn't have enough car chases, and subsequently told the writers "I was really angry, because I don’t think, that you’d ignore so many things, that apply to story telling basics!"
Boll's critics so infuriated him that in June 2006 he issued an open challenge for them to meet him, mano a mano, in a 10-round boxing match. Five movie critics stepped up to the plate. Despite describing the event as simply a "PR stunt," Boll, a former amateur boxer himself, trained seriously for the event. He won all five bouts comprehensively, beating Ain't It Cool News writer Jeff Sneider so badly that he required emergency medical attention.

Shane Warne - Australian cricketer
The first bowler to take 700 test wickets and widely considered the greatest legspinner ever to play the game. Early in his career, was expelled from the Australian cricket academy for allegedly exposing himself to a female Asian tourist around the team's hotel pool. In 1999, while under contract to promote a quit-smoking programme, was photographed by a pair of New Zealand teenagers having a cigarette. Warne pursued the boys, stole their bag and illegally confiscated their camera, which he returned only after police intervention. In 2003, after a suspiciously swift recovery from a dislocated shoulder, he tested positive for diuretics (a known steroid masking agent) and was banned from international cricket for a year. Warne claimed he had taken the diuretic on the recommendation of his mother, who wanted him to look slim on television. A string of publicised infidelities with, amongst others, a British nurse, a Melbourne stripper and a 46-year-old South African mother of three, all led to the breakdown of his marriage in 2005. Warne then concocted a harebrained last-throw-of-the-dice plan to save it by contriving a menage-a-trois with his wife and one of his mistresses. To no-one's surprise, he failed.

Ayn Rand - American writer
Aside from writing such libertarian wet dreams as Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead, this saucy minx also founded the Objectivist movement. The Objectivist philosophy can be summed up in six words: "Fuck you pal, I got mine!" Rand neatly divided everyone into one of two categories: Virile ubermensch captains of industry, and chumps.
Prior to her death, Rand objected to allegations that Objectivism had become a cult of personality. Since her death, the movement underwent a schism. On one side was the Ayn Rand Institute - those who believe Objectivism is a closed system that consists only of what Rand said and wrote ("Remember kids, we're not a cult of personality - her Randness said so herself!") - and on the other side were, well, sane people.

Kerry Packer - Australian media magnate
Billionaire patriarch of an Australian media dynasty, distinguishable from Rupert Murdoch only by their intense hatred of one another and the fact that Murdoch is alive and Packer is not.
Took over his father's newspaper business in the 1970s, which had acquired the burgeoning Channel 9 network. Engineered the World Series Cricket coup in the late 1970s as a response to being snubbed for Australian cricket broadcasting rights, robbing 'the establishment' of its best players for three years before a truce was reached. Flagrantly ignored international sporting boycotts of South Africa by contracting several players from the Republic. Sold Channel 9 to Alan Bond for a billion dollars in 1987, then bought it back three years later for less than half the price. A compulsive gambler, he had a habit of posting million-dollar wagers at a time. Was once challenged to a game of poker by a Texan oil tycoon; according to legend the exchange went along the lines of something like this:
Packer: "How much are you worth?"
Texan: "Don't you know who I am?"
Packer: "I don't give a rat's arse who you are, how much are you worth?"
Texan: "Sixty million dollars."
Packer (pulls out a coin): "I'll flip you for it."

James Cameron - Canadian director
Has ever a film-maker possessed so much hubris? Has twice made the most expensive film in history (Terminator 2 and Titanic), both within the space of 6 years. Was so determined that underwater sci-fi epic The Abyss was to be authentic that he constructed the largest underwater film set in the world . . . in a disused nuclear power reactor. The making of that film was so physically punishing that stars Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio have refused to ever work with Cameron again. Once, when filming a frustrating nighttime scene for the action flick True Lies, Cameron infamously declared that any extras who took a bathroom break shouldn't bother returning to the set. After the spectacular success of Titanic, both worldwide and at the Oscars, Cameron declared hismelf to be "king of the world!" and promptly entered semi-retirement. Since then, he has considered making a science fiction movie filmed entirely in zero gravity in orbit around Earth, and has recently claimed to have discovered the burial caskets of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. Craziest. Director. Ever.

Michael Jackson - American singer
Where to start? Here we have a man so obsessed with his appearance that he has undergone countless cosmetic operations the cumulative effect of which have mutilated a once-handsome face. His supposed persecution by the media and the courts since the mid 1990s have apparently given him a messianic complex. The cover art of his 1995 album HIStory featured a megalithic statue of himself. In 1996, 2 years after he reached that out-of-court settlement, he dressed in white and assumed Christ-like poses surrounded by adoring children and, oddly, a rabbi, whilst performing Earth Song at the Brit Awards, a show which also featured Jackson seemingly conquering whole armies with "love." For those of us who still didn't quite get the whole "I'm-actually-Jesus" thing, in 2003 he filmed a short movie to promote his planned album Resurrection, in which he played a man resurrected from the grave. Despite continuing media speculation, Jackson defied public scorn and continued to invite young boys to his Neverland ranch for "sleepovers." With depressingly inevitable consequences.

Kim Jong Il - North Korean dictator
Diminutive head of an impoverished state which is best described as a miniature Stalinist Russia. Despite the poverty of his nation, Kim (Jong? Jong-Il? Kimmie Baby?) reportedly has a cellar of over 10,000 wines, and a movie collection of over 20,000, err, videotapes. If the North Korean state media is to be believed, among Kim's accomplishments are writing six full-length operas, and scoring a record 38-under par over 18 holes at his first attempt ever at playing golf (including 5 holes-in-one). He also claims creative credit for the North Korea's most successful film, Diary of a Girl Student. Is there anything he can't do? Last year he also named his personally chosen "Three Fools" of the 21st Century: Those who are ignorant about computers; those who are ignorant about music; and those who smoke. What a guy.

Donald Trump - American entrepeneur
Obviously has issues over his perceived virility. There's that godawful hair for a start, and a tendency to name vast edifices and corporate monoliths after himself: The Trump Organisation, Trump Entertainment, the Trump Tower, the Trump World Tower, Trump Place, the Trump International Hotel and Tower, Trump Casino & Resorts, Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts, the Trump Plaza Hotel, the Trump Shuttle, Trump Hotels, Trump Entertainment Resort Holdings, Donald J Trump's Men's Collections, Trump Ice Bottled Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Magazine, Trump Golf, Trump University, Trump Mortgage, Trump Buffet, Trump Eaterie, Trump Ice Cream Parlour, Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Marina, the Estates at Trump National: Rancho Palos Verdes, Trump Grande, and the Tour de Trump bicycle race. In a supreme moment of hubris, he attempted to trademark the words "you're fired."

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another great list. Just a couple of comments.

I'm not sure if many people would agree with your selection of Shane Warne for the list. He's certainly been guilty of a disprortionate number of indiscretions for a cricketer, but he hasn't displayed a sense of self-worth over and above that of your average NBA or English Premiership player. There are certainly plenty of athletes who merit inclusion above Warne: OJ Simpson, so arrogant he thought he could get away with murder and then publish a book skiting about it, boxers Muhammed Ali and Chris Eubank, and, perhaps best of all, former footballer and current anti-Semite, conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed mystic David Icke, whose tremendous sense of self-worth has him believing that he is a messiah/prophet-like figure trying to rescue the world from its alien, repto-humanoid overlords.

Would also like to give props to "director" Vincent Gallo, whose paltry output (one average, generic indie film and one self-indulgent piece of sh*t) hasn't prevented him from being endowed with sufficient arrogance to proclaim that he "stopped painting in 1990 at the peak of my success just to deny people my beautiful paintings, and I did it out of spite", or posting an offer to impregnate people for $1million on his merchandising website. For shame.

12:25 pm  
Blogger Fraser said...

As Heath said, another fantastic list. If you want to read more about William Shatner and his ego have a read of this

WARNING: while the article is perfectly fine apart from some choice words, the site its on, suicide girls has some interesting images so definatly NSFW.

http://suicidegirls.com/news/geek/20562/

http://suicidegirls.com/news/geek/20634

10:21 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This list could also have been called "10 Big Dickweeds".

4:14 am  

Post a Comment

<< Home