10 Movie Assholes

Today's List is a tribute to those characters designed to tweak our collective ires. I give you film's greatest assholes.

The List's standard spoiler warning: This List involves discussion of film plots, and contains plot spoilers. If you have not seen the films listed below, proceed at your own risk!

Private Hudson in Aliens
Asshole Credentials:
Asks Hispanic crewmate Vasquez if she's "ever been mistaken for a man;" later hurls a racial slur at her: "Right, right, someone said alien, she thought they said illegal alien and signed up." Loses his shit when things go bad, despite earlier bragging about his team being "ultimate bad asses." Makes an art form of hysterical complaining.
Most Assholish Line:
"Well that's great, that's just fuckin great man. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit now man . . . That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?"

Sully in Commando
Asshole Credentials:
Part of a mercenary cadre intent on returning corrupt dictator General Arius to power in the Central American republic of Val Verde. Kidnaps retired commando John Matrix's daughter to facilitate assassination of incumbent Val Verdean presidente. Makes unwelcome advances to comely air hostess Rae Dawn Chong. When she rejects, he calls her a "fucking whore." Is told by Matrix that he's "a funny guy," and will be killed last. Matrix lied.

Most Assholish Line:
See above. What an asshole.

Richard "Dick" Thornburg in Die Hard and Die Hard 2
Asshole Credentials:
Endangers cop John McClane's wife Holly when he interviews their family on live television while she is being held hostage by a band of German thieves. When said terrorists begin destroying police ordnance with a rocket launcher, his immediate reaction is to ensure that his cameraman got it on tape. Later, causes widespread panic at Dulles Airport when he phones in a report from an airplane and reveals that terrorists have control of the airport. Is tasered for his troubles.
Most Assholish Line:
Thornburg (assholishly trying to get an upgrade from economy to first class): "You cannot put me near that woman."
Stewardess: "Excuse me?"
Holly: "He means he's filed a restraining order against me. I'm not allowed within 50 feet of him."
Thornburg: "50 yards. So by keeping me in the section you are violating a court order. I can sue you and this airline. That woman assaulted me and she humiliated me in public."

Vicomte de Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons
Asshole Credentials:
Agrees to seduce, and thereby ruin, both the virginal Uma Thurman and the prudish Michelle Pfeiffer in exchange for one night with the evil Glenn Close. Forgets his first lesson from 'Asshole 101' and falls in love with Pfeiffer. Restores himself to pure assholedom by cruelly abandoning her at the behest of Close.
Most Assholish Line:
"You see, I have no intentions of breaking down her prejudices. I want her to believe in God and virtue and the sanctity of marriage, and still not be able to stop herself. I want the pleasure of watching her betray everything that is most important to her. Surely you can understand that."

Juror No. 3 in Twelve Angry Men
Asshole Credentials:
Once beat his 9-year-old son for running away from a fight. Hasn't seen said son, now an adult, for two years. Wants to send a young man charged with murdering his own father to the electric chair, despite a paucity of compelling evidence. Prone to emotional outbursts, which he blames on another juror's "goading."
Most Assholish Line:
"It's these kids - the way they are nowadays. When I was a kid I used to call my father, 'Sir'. That's right . . . 'Sir'. You ever hear a kid call his father that anymore?"

Tyler Durden in Fight Club
Asshole Credentials:
Believes in the Nietzschian credo that "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger." Is the alter ego of Edward Norton's unnamed narrator. Is more attractive, charismatic, and capable than Norton, and knows it. Has loud, raucous sex with a suicidal Helena Bonham Carter. Holds extreme anti-captialist and anti-consumerist beliefs. Masterminds "Project Mayhem," a plot to destroy the headquarters of the major credit card companies. Lays a trap to have Norton / himself castrated if he tries to stop him.
Most Assholish Line:
"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

Mister Pink in Reservoir Dogs
Asshole Credentials:
Refuses to tip waitresses. Bums cigarettes off others, despite having quit. Complains that his alias sounds too much like "Mister Pussy" and that he would prefer to be "Mister Black." In a diamond heist gone wrong, kills three cops - but no "real people." In the aftermath, tries to escape with the diamonds while everyone else in his crew is either dead or dying. Doesn't get far.
Most Assholish Line:
"I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise."

Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski
Asshole Credentials:
Connects everything to the Vietnam War, of which he is a veteran. Pulls a gun on a bowling opponent he suspects of cheating, because "it's a league game." Refuses to bowl on Saturday because he converted to Judaism from Polish Catholicism when he married his (now five years ex-) wife. Interferes in a ransom delivery in a doomed attempt to keep the money for himself. Attacks a corvette with a baseball bat on the mistaken assumption it was bought with said ransom money. Pulls a man off his wheelchair in an attempt to prove that he isn't really paralysed (he is). Takes exception to the price of his cremated friend's urn, and instead stores his ashes in a coffee can. Casts the ashes not over the Pacific Ocean, as intended, but over his best friend, The Dude. As The Dude says, "you're not wrong, Walter. You're just an asshole."
Most Assholish Line:
"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors . . . and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and . . . up to . . . Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
Asshole Credentials:
Plays polo not because he enjoys it, but because of the social and business contacts it provides him. Is a racist and an anti-semite, and disapproves of inter-racial marriage. Is outraged when he discovers that his wife Daisy is having an affair with Jay Gatsby, despite the fact he has been keeping a mistress himself. When his mistress is accidentally killed by Daisy in a road accident, he tells her grief-stricken husband that Gatsby was responsible, leading to Gatsby's murder.
Most Assholish Line:
"I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and relax, while Mr Nobody from Nowhere makes love to your wife, is that it? Well, if that is it, Daisy, count me out. Because let me make myself clear. People begin by sneering at family life, and family institutions, and before you know it, we'll have intermarriage between black and white!"

Alec Baldwin as Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross
Asshole Credentials:
Is given a brief to threaten, browbeat and humiliate a group of desperate, down-on-their-luck real estate agents. Takes to the task with unusual relish and more than a little profanity. In fact, his 7-minute sustained torrent of assholishness is so breathtaking, it deserves to be reproduced here in its entirety:

Most Assholish Line:
"Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? 'Cos you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name."

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10 Notorious Egotists

The following people, be they successes or failures, madmen or philosophers, all have one thing in common: a hugely inflated sense of self-importance.

Friedrich Nietzsche - German philosopher
His autobiography, Ecce Homo, has chapters entitled "Why I Am So Wise," "Why I Am So Clever," "Why I Write Such Good Books," and, err, "Why I Am a Destiny." Nietzsche himself modestly described his book Thus Spake Zarathustra as "the deepest ever written." In Twilight of the Idols he coined the phrase "whatever does not kill me, makes me stronger," a motto since adopted by entire generations of moody, self-absorbed adolescents who have obviously never been kicked in the nuts.

William Shatner - Canadian actor
Believed himself to be universally loved, despite his Star Trek colleagues and co-stars going on public record that he was "a prima donna " (George Takei), and an "arrogant, egotisitical, line-stealing showboater" (James Doohan). Embarked on a doomed musical career in the 1970s, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance of Elton John's Rocketman at a 1978 science fiction convention:

Whilst writing his Star Trek memoirs in the 1980s, was actually surprised to discover his former cast mates thought him to be a vain, self-centered prima donna. Was sufficiently worried about his middle-aged spread that he went on a starvation diet prior to filming the first Trek movie. In later films, he insisted that his backside be airbrushed in post production so as to appear thinner on film. Despite these insecurities, was so assured of his own machismo, he attempted (unsuccessfully) to seduce much younger co-stars Persis Khambatta (a former Miss India) and Kirstie Alley. In the 1990s, authored a novel in which Captain Kirk (who had been killed off in the films) is resurrected and kicks the ass of the entire Next Generation crew. Appropriately, Trekkies have their own term for this novel and its sequels to distinguish it from "proper" Trek: "The Shatnerverse."

Doctor Uwe Boll - German director
The director of such legendary shitfests as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne, Uwe Boll's films are little more than vehicles for tax write-offs for European investors and are universally reviled. Nevertheless, he defends them with zeal, saving most of his broken-English venom for his critics who are "guys writing all the Internet bullshit about me and sitting in their houses where mommy pays for everything." Rejected a draft screenplay for Alone in the Dark on the basis that it didn't have enough car chases, and subsequently told the writers "I was really angry, because I don’t think, that you’d ignore so many things, that apply to story telling basics!"
Boll's critics so infuriated him that in June 2006 he issued an open challenge for them to meet him, mano a mano, in a 10-round boxing match. Five movie critics stepped up to the plate. Despite describing the event as simply a "PR stunt," Boll, a former amateur boxer himself, trained seriously for the event. He won all five bouts comprehensively, beating Ain't It Cool News writer Jeff Sneider so badly that he required emergency medical attention.

Shane Warne - Australian cricketer
The first bowler to take 700 test wickets and widely considered the greatest legspinner ever to play the game. Early in his career, was expelled from the Australian cricket academy for allegedly exposing himself to a female Asian tourist around the team's hotel pool. In 1999, while under contract to promote a quit-smoking programme, was photographed by a pair of New Zealand teenagers having a cigarette. Warne pursued the boys, stole their bag and illegally confiscated their camera, which he returned only after police intervention. In 2003, after a suspiciously swift recovery from a dislocated shoulder, he tested positive for diuretics (a known steroid masking agent) and was banned from international cricket for a year. Warne claimed he had taken the diuretic on the recommendation of his mother, who wanted him to look slim on television. A string of publicised infidelities with, amongst others, a British nurse, a Melbourne stripper and a 46-year-old South African mother of three, all led to the breakdown of his marriage in 2005. Warne then concocted a harebrained last-throw-of-the-dice plan to save it by contriving a menage-a-trois with his wife and one of his mistresses. To no-one's surprise, he failed.

Ayn Rand - American writer
Aside from writing such libertarian wet dreams as Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead, this saucy minx also founded the Objectivist movement. The Objectivist philosophy can be summed up in six words: "Fuck you pal, I got mine!" Rand neatly divided everyone into one of two categories: Virile ubermensch captains of industry, and chumps.
Prior to her death, Rand objected to allegations that Objectivism had become a cult of personality. Since her death, the movement underwent a schism. On one side was the Ayn Rand Institute - those who believe Objectivism is a closed system that consists only of what Rand said and wrote ("Remember kids, we're not a cult of personality - her Randness said so herself!") - and on the other side were, well, sane people.

Kerry Packer - Australian media magnate
Billionaire patriarch of an Australian media dynasty, distinguishable from Rupert Murdoch only by their intense hatred of one another and the fact that Murdoch is alive and Packer is not.
Took over his father's newspaper business in the 1970s, which had acquired the burgeoning Channel 9 network. Engineered the World Series Cricket coup in the late 1970s as a response to being snubbed for Australian cricket broadcasting rights, robbing 'the establishment' of its best players for three years before a truce was reached. Flagrantly ignored international sporting boycotts of South Africa by contracting several players from the Republic. Sold Channel 9 to Alan Bond for a billion dollars in 1987, then bought it back three years later for less than half the price. A compulsive gambler, he had a habit of posting million-dollar wagers at a time. Was once challenged to a game of poker by a Texan oil tycoon; according to legend the exchange went along the lines of something like this:
Packer: "How much are you worth?"
Texan: "Don't you know who I am?"
Packer: "I don't give a rat's arse who you are, how much are you worth?"
Texan: "Sixty million dollars."
Packer (pulls out a coin): "I'll flip you for it."

James Cameron - Canadian director
Has ever a film-maker possessed so much hubris? Has twice made the most expensive film in history (Terminator 2 and Titanic), both within the space of 6 years. Was so determined that underwater sci-fi epic The Abyss was to be authentic that he constructed the largest underwater film set in the world . . . in a disused nuclear power reactor. The making of that film was so physically punishing that stars Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio have refused to ever work with Cameron again. Once, when filming a frustrating nighttime scene for the action flick True Lies, Cameron infamously declared that any extras who took a bathroom break shouldn't bother returning to the set. After the spectacular success of Titanic, both worldwide and at the Oscars, Cameron declared hismelf to be "king of the world!" and promptly entered semi-retirement. Since then, he has considered making a science fiction movie filmed entirely in zero gravity in orbit around Earth, and has recently claimed to have discovered the burial caskets of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. Craziest. Director. Ever.

Michael Jackson - American singer
Where to start? Here we have a man so obsessed with his appearance that he has undergone countless cosmetic operations the cumulative effect of which have mutilated a once-handsome face. His supposed persecution by the media and the courts since the mid 1990s have apparently given him a messianic complex. The cover art of his 1995 album HIStory featured a megalithic statue of himself. In 1996, 2 years after he reached that out-of-court settlement, he dressed in white and assumed Christ-like poses surrounded by adoring children and, oddly, a rabbi, whilst performing Earth Song at the Brit Awards, a show which also featured Jackson seemingly conquering whole armies with "love." For those of us who still didn't quite get the whole "I'm-actually-Jesus" thing, in 2003 he filmed a short movie to promote his planned album Resurrection, in which he played a man resurrected from the grave. Despite continuing media speculation, Jackson defied public scorn and continued to invite young boys to his Neverland ranch for "sleepovers." With depressingly inevitable consequences.

Kim Jong Il - North Korean dictator
Diminutive head of an impoverished state which is best described as a miniature Stalinist Russia. Despite the poverty of his nation, Kim (Jong? Jong-Il? Kimmie Baby?) reportedly has a cellar of over 10,000 wines, and a movie collection of over 20,000, err, videotapes. If the North Korean state media is to be believed, among Kim's accomplishments are writing six full-length operas, and scoring a record 38-under par over 18 holes at his first attempt ever at playing golf (including 5 holes-in-one). He also claims creative credit for the North Korea's most successful film, Diary of a Girl Student. Is there anything he can't do? Last year he also named his personally chosen "Three Fools" of the 21st Century: Those who are ignorant about computers; those who are ignorant about music; and those who smoke. What a guy.

Donald Trump - American entrepeneur
Obviously has issues over his perceived virility. There's that godawful hair for a start, and a tendency to name vast edifices and corporate monoliths after himself: The Trump Organisation, Trump Entertainment, the Trump Tower, the Trump World Tower, Trump Place, the Trump International Hotel and Tower, Trump Casino & Resorts, Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts, the Trump Plaza Hotel, the Trump Shuttle, Trump Hotels, Trump Entertainment Resort Holdings, Donald J Trump's Men's Collections, Trump Ice Bottled Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Magazine, Trump Golf, Trump University, Trump Mortgage, Trump Buffet, Trump Eaterie, Trump Ice Cream Parlour, Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Marina, the Estates at Trump National: Rancho Palos Verdes, Trump Grande, and the Tour de Trump bicycle race. In a supreme moment of hubris, he attempted to trademark the words "you're fired."