10 Fictional Perfect Men

Today's List is dedicated to a female friend who, after a disastrous date some months ago, complained to me that she couldn't find a "Good, Normal, Ordinary boy." After pondering her problem for a while, I realised that she is actually surrounded by GNOs. The problem is that most of them are as boring as fuck.

To help make her feel better, this List compiles the world's most perfect fictional men. The word 'fictional' in that previous sentence is, of course, redundant.

James Bond
The man every man wants to be, and every woman wants to be with. The guy has everything: He's handsome, smart, tough, resourceful, suave, worldly, speaks a number of European languages fluently, and knows more than any real person realistically could about liquor and fine dining. He has a tragic past, too: His parents were killed in a climbing accident when he was young; his first true love was a double agent who betrayed him before committing suicide; and his first wife was murdered by his archenemy hours after their wedding. No wonder beautiful women melt into his arms with a mere arch of his eyebrow.
Looks: Take your pick out of Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig, or, erm, Roger Moore. 8/10.
Tragic Past: Substantial. Has lost everyone who has ever cared for him. 8/10.
Hint of Danger: Considerably high. Ferchrissakes, the guy kills people for a living. Studies show that simply sleeping with Bond decreases your chances of surviving the next 90 minutes by 40%. 10/10.
Dependability: Low. Is likely to be called away to an exotic, dangerous, foreign location whilst you are in flagrante delicto. Also, is as promiscuous as a jackrabbit. 2/10.
Perfect Man Total: 28

Superman
The last son of a dead planet, Superdude gains superpowers from our red sun (or something like that). Instead of cashing in on his outrageous luck, he chooses to live as bumbling ubernerd Clark Kent, and defend the public whilst wearing his pyjamas whenever Metropolis is threatened (i.e. often) as Superman.
Looks: Fantastic for those girls who like their men freakishly muscular. Not so good for, well, sane girls. 5/10.
Tragic Past: High. Not only is he an orphan, he's the last of his freakin' kind! 9/10.
Hint of Danger: Surprisingly low. Note the picture to the right; the dude is blocking bullets . . . with his freakin' head. The romantic notion that he may come to harm defending you suffers somehwat when he is invulnerable to everything. 2/10.
Dependability: High. As Clark Kent, he is sweetly loyal to Lois Lane despite her obvious infatuation with his macho alter ego. Has an endearing / creepy devotion to his elderly adoptive parents. 9/10.
Perfect Man Total: 25

Doc Savage
When Clark Savage Junior was born, his father assembled a team of scientists to train his mind and body to superhuman levels. As a result, he has great strength and endurance, a photographic memory, mastery of the martial arts, disguises, and vast knowledge of the sciences - including, erm, brain surgery. These days he lives in a bachelor pad in the Empire State Building and keeps a holiday home in the Arctic Circle. Oh, and as a hobby he "rights wrongs and punishes evildoers."
Looks: Has bronze skin (hence his nickname - 'The Man of Bronze') and golden eyes. Sounds kinda funny-looking to me. 4/10.
Tragic Past: Err . . . none that we can see. Sure, he was used as a test subject in what seems to be a private science experiment by his crazy Dad, but that doesn't count as 'tragic' when you end up as a superhuman. 2/10.
Hint of Danger: Considerable. But given that his hobby is actively seeking out evildoers, one must ask whether that is really danger, or just plain stupidity. 6/10.
Dependability: According to his creator Lester Dent, he "embodies Christliness." Is unlikely to go on a booze, cocaine and hookers binge in Las Vegas, then. 9/10.
Perfect Man Total: 21

Henry DeTamble (from The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger)
Henry was born with a rare condition which causes him to involuntarily travel through time. When he travels, he leaves his clothes behind; he therefore often finds himself lost and naked in unfamiliar environments. He is therefore an expert runner, and is a (literally) self-trained burglar, pickpocket and brawler. Somehow, he has also found the time to develop a broad knowledge of art, art history and politics, and works as a librarian at Chicago's Newberry Library. Henry is also a skilled lover; as he himself humbly puts it, "if cunnilingus were an olympic sport, I'd definitely medal." Guys, remember that cute art history student you dated in university? When you were having sex, she was dreaming of Henry DeTamble.
Looks: Is supremely fit from his obsessive running. Will be played by Eric Bana in the film version. 7/10.
Tragic Past: His first serious girlfriend was a manic depressive who committed suicide. His mother was decapitated in a car accident with Henry in the car; his father is an alcoholic who holds Henry responsible for her death. 10/10.
Hint of Danger: Quite high. Henry is necessarily proficient at self-defence (read "ass-kicking"), and he knows his alphabet of illicit drugs. 7/10.
Dependability: Low. Prone to dangerous random jaunts through time which can last for days. 3/10.
Perfect Man Total: 27

Sir Galahad
Knight of the Round Table. Son of Sir Lancelot, who was considered the greatest of all King Arthur's knights. Embodies all that is noble, chivalrous, and holy, and thereofre is destined to attain the Holy Grail. May correctly be referred to as a holier-than-thou sunuvabitch.
Looks: Unfortunately, if the picture to the left is anything to go by, the most pure knight who ever lived was a ginge. 1/10.
Tragic Past: Being a bastard doesn't bar Galahad's meteoric rise; as soon as he arrives at Camelot, he accidentally sits in the Siege Perilous, a magical chair at the Round Table that incinerates anyone who sits in it unless they are pure enough to attain the Holy Grail. He survives, thus presaging his future. 3/10.
Hint of Danger: Galahad is destined to attain the Holy Grail, and as such he enjoys something of a charmed existence. After being thrown into prison and starved by the king of a Middle Eastern kingdom, the Grail appears and magically feeds him. Later, on his release, Galahad succeeds to the throne after the country's noblemen recognise his inherent piety. So, not much danger there, then. 0/10.
Dependability: Given that his entire destiny is preordained by God, he's clearly not in control of his own life. Also, this is a guy so damn pure and chaste, when he reaches the end of his life he doesn't even die - he instead ascends to heaven. 5/10.
Perfect Man Total: 9

Howard Roark (from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand)
Howard Roark is a passionate, talented architect who constantly finds himself at loggerheads with the architectural establishment, which rejects his ideas. A staunch individualist, Roark eventually dynamites his latest building rather than go through the indignity of having his perfect plans altered in any way. In other words, he's Ayn Rand's "projection of an ideal man," and a natural extension of her belief that arrogance is an integral component of genius.
Looks: Rand describes him as ruggedly handsome (well, she would, wouldn't she?) and Gary Cooper played him in the film version. 7/10.
Tragic Past: None. Even if he had one, he would have risen above it by sheer force of egoism and will. 0/10.
Hint of Danger: It's a measure of Rand's lust for her own creation that at one point of the novel Roark rapes the heroine, and she immediately falls in love with him. Um, what?? 8/10.
Dependability: Considering that he dynamites a building out of sheer pique, there is more than a smidgen of unstable psychopath in his makeup. 2/10.
Perfect Man Total: 17

Legolas
Blond, eternally youthful, girly-man elf who becomes entwined in the War of the Ring in Middle Earth. The phrase "Nazi Youth Poster Boy" comes to mind.
Looks: Flowing blond locks, dazzling blue eyes, high cheekbones; if he was any prettier he'd need breasts and lipstick. But girls like him, apparently. 9/10.
Tragic Past: Estimates at his age from the world's most dedicated nerds range from five hundred to nine hundred years. Either way, being immortal and all, he's got it pretty sweet - anyone who feels sorry for him is an idiot. Nul points. 0/10.
Hint of Danger: High. Spends an awful amount of time around monstrous enemies, whom he takes unusual delight in killing in increasingly gratuitous but undeniably cool action set pieces. 8/10.
Dependability: Very good. He's several hundred years old, and he's not going anywhere fast. 7/10.
Perfect Man Total: 24

Jesus Horatio Christ
Humble Jewish carpenter who was, in the words of Douglas Adams, "nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change." The son of God, executed for our sins, resurrected, yadda yadda yadda.
Looks: Great if you're into beards, Willem "Looks like I've had acid splashed on my face" Dafoe in Last Temptation of Christ, or the bloody beaten-to-a-pulp look of The Passion of the Christ. 5/10.
Tragic Past: He's the son of God. A double-edged sword; on the one hand he has miracles up the yin-yang, on the other, talk about the pressure of expectation. Gains bonus points for sacrificing himself for the sake of all mankind. 10/10.
Hint of Danger: Let's be clear on this. Jesus Christ is not likely to take you to the hottest clubs, drop E, dance till dawn, then take you home and freak you like you've never been freaked before. 0/10.
Dependability: Fairly good, but is annoyingly vacilious over the small matter of whether or not he's alive. 7/10.
Perfect Man Total: 22

Reed Richards aka "Mister Fantastic"
Mister Fantastic has the ability to stretch any part of his body - that's right, any part of his body - to any shape or size he desires. Ladies, a tip: When men are asked which superpower they want, no matter what they actually say, it's this one they're thinking of. Oh yeah, he's also meant to be the smartest guy in the world, or something.
Looks: When he's not looking like Gumby, imagine Ioan Gruffudd with a touch of Hugh Hefneresque grey in his sideburns (as per the pic to the left). 7/10.
Tragic Past: Blames himself for exposing lifelong friend Ben Grimm to 'cosmic rays', turning him into the hideous orange 'Thing.' However, given that those same cosmic rays gave him his stretching powers, don't expect him to find a cure anytime soon. 5/10.
Hint of Danger: Considerable. Amongst his enemies are chaps with names like 'Doctor Doom,' 'Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds,' and 'Psychotron, the Chainsaw Wielding Castrator' (alright, I made that last one up). 8/10.
Dependability: High. He is faithfully married to Sue 'Invisible Girl' Storm, though, so he loses points for his lack of availaiblity. 5/10.
Perfect Man Total: 25

This Guy
A few years ago, some nerds at the University of St Andrews in Scotland figured out exactly what facial features women look for in their perfect man. The image they finished up with was this guy. You can read all about it here.
Looks: Well, by definition, he's perfect isn't he? 10/10.
Tragic Past: Even though he's a digital composite of male perfection, you've got to feel for him. As a collection of zeroes and ones, his chances of scoring on any given Friday night would make Steve Urkel look like Hugh Hefner. 8/10.
Hint of Danger: Non-existent. 0/10.
Dependability: Hmm . . . No sneaking around behind your back, no arguments, no late night drunken benders with his mates, no lying, no break up. Like it says on the label: Perfect. 10/10.
Perfect Man Total: 28

Agree? Disagree? Comments? Death threats? Please leave a comment!