10 Terrible National Flags

After a 5 month absence, I've finally gotten off my lazy ass to write a new entry. Umm, sorry about the delay.

This week: Flags so eye-wateringly terrible, their mere existence establishes a prima facie case that their designers were on crack cocaine.

Mozambique
What Went Wrong? Ah yes, the cornerstones of any healthy, flourishing democracy. Books, hoes, and of course, automatic weapons.
Wikipedia Apologia: "Yellow star: The solidarity of the people and the socialistic beliefs of the country. Book: Education. Hoe: Peasants and agriculture. AK-47: The nation’s determination to protect its freedom."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "What do you mean, 'our flag looks violent?!' We'll kill you for that!"

Isle of Man
What Went Wrong? Just . . . look at it. I mean, what the fuck is that?
Wikipedia Apologia: "Manx triskelions feature three running legs, bent at the knee, conjoined at the crotch."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "The Isle of Man: Where your acid trips become nightmarish reality."

Albania
What Went Wrong? It looks like Napoleon Dynamite drew it. "It's a two-headed eagle . . . It's pretty much my favourite animal . . . It's probably the best drawing I've ever done."
Wikipedia Apologia: "The double-headed eagle represents the dual sovereignty of the Emperor (secular and religious) and/or dominance of the Roman Emperors over both East and West."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Albania: We play Dungeons & Dragons."

Northern Mariana Islands
What Went Wrong? Why do they have the Stanley Cup on their flag? They're not Canada.
Wikipedia Apologia: "The symbol behind the white star is a latte stone, a Chamorro house foundation."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Go the Mighty Ducks!"

Guam
What Went Wrong? Who the hell thought it would be a good again to design a flag that doubled as an eye chart? And why the hell do they need the name of the country on it?
Wikipedia Apologia: "In the center of the flag is the coat of arms; an almond shaped emblem, which depicts a proa sailing in Agana Bay near Hagatna, and GUAM colored in red letters."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Guam: Which country are we again?"

Rwanda
What Went Wrong? Laziest. Flag. Ever.
Wikipedia Apologia: ". . . a red-yellow-green tricolour with a large black letter 'R' (to distinguish it from the otherwise identical Flag of Guinea)."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Rwanda: Give us an R!"

Libya
What Went Wrong? Well, it's a bit . . . bland, isn't it? And given Libya's geographic location, it can hardly be argued that it's representative of lush, rolling fields . . .
Wikipedia Apologia: "It is the only national flag in the world with just one color and no design, insignia, or other details."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Libya: We didn't even try."

Moldova
What Went Wrong? So let me get this straight . . . the eagle is not only carrying a sceptre and an olive branch, but also a cross in its beak, and a shield across its belly? And it can still fly? And if you think that eagle is tough, check out Moldova's official War Flag.
Wikipedia Apologia: "a vertical tricolor of blue, yellow, and red, charged with the coat of arms of Moldova (an eagle holding a shield charged with an aurochs) on the center bar on the obverse side only."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Moldova: Our eagles kick your eagles' asses."

Uganda
What Went Wrong? Is that a rooster on the flag? Also, the clashing colours make my eyes want to bleed.
Wikipedia Apologia: "The three colours are representative of African peoples (black), Africa's sunshine (yellow), and African brotherhood (red being the colour of blood, through which all Africans are connected)."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Uganda: We don't want to brag . . . but check out our huge black cock."

The Falkland Islands
What Went Wrong? Take a close look at the coat of arms. That's right . . . it's a sheep, riding an island, on top of a ship. Uh, huh?
Wikipedia Apologia: "The ship represents the Desire, the vessel in which the English are reputed to have discovered the Falkland Islands in 1592. The motto "Desire the Right" also refers to the ship's name. The ram represents sheep-farming, until recently the principal economic activity of the islands. The tussock grass shows the most notable native vegetation."
What the Flag Says About the Country: "Sheep, grass, and desire. An' that's all you need to know 'bout these parts, stranger."

Hope you enjoyed it - if you have any death threats, comments, or abuse, I'd love to hear from you.

10 Fictional Perfect Men

Today's List is dedicated to a female friend who, after a disastrous date some months ago, complained to me that she couldn't find a "Good, Normal, Ordinary boy." After pondering her problem for a while, I realised that she is actually surrounded by GNOs. The problem is that most of them are as boring as fuck.

To help make her feel better, this List compiles the world's most perfect fictional men. The word 'fictional' in that previous sentence is, of course, redundant.

James Bond
The man every man wants to be, and every woman wants to be with. The guy has everything: He's handsome, smart, tough, resourceful, suave, worldly, speaks a number of European languages fluently, and knows more than any real person realistically could about liquor and fine dining. He has a tragic past, too: His parents were killed in a climbing accident when he was young; his first true love was a double agent who betrayed him before committing suicide; and his first wife was murdered by his archenemy hours after their wedding. No wonder beautiful women melt into his arms with a mere arch of his eyebrow.
Looks: Take your pick out of Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig, or, erm, Roger Moore. 8/10.
Tragic Past: Substantial. Has lost everyone who has ever cared for him. 8/10.
Hint of Danger: Considerably high. Ferchrissakes, the guy kills people for a living. Studies show that simply sleeping with Bond decreases your chances of surviving the next 90 minutes by 40%. 10/10.
Dependability: Low. Is likely to be called away to an exotic, dangerous, foreign location whilst you are in flagrante delicto. Also, is as promiscuous as a jackrabbit. 2/10.
Perfect Man Total: 28

Superman
The last son of a dead planet, Superdude gains superpowers from our red sun (or something like that). Instead of cashing in on his outrageous luck, he chooses to live as bumbling ubernerd Clark Kent, and defend the public whilst wearing his pyjamas whenever Metropolis is threatened (i.e. often) as Superman.
Looks: Fantastic for those girls who like their men freakishly muscular. Not so good for, well, sane girls. 5/10.
Tragic Past: High. Not only is he an orphan, he's the last of his freakin' kind! 9/10.
Hint of Danger: Surprisingly low. Note the picture to the right; the dude is blocking bullets . . . with his freakin' head. The romantic notion that he may come to harm defending you suffers somehwat when he is invulnerable to everything. 2/10.
Dependability: High. As Clark Kent, he is sweetly loyal to Lois Lane despite her obvious infatuation with his macho alter ego. Has an endearing / creepy devotion to his elderly adoptive parents. 9/10.
Perfect Man Total: 25

Doc Savage
When Clark Savage Junior was born, his father assembled a team of scientists to train his mind and body to superhuman levels. As a result, he has great strength and endurance, a photographic memory, mastery of the martial arts, disguises, and vast knowledge of the sciences - including, erm, brain surgery. These days he lives in a bachelor pad in the Empire State Building and keeps a holiday home in the Arctic Circle. Oh, and as a hobby he "rights wrongs and punishes evildoers."
Looks: Has bronze skin (hence his nickname - 'The Man of Bronze') and golden eyes. Sounds kinda funny-looking to me. 4/10.
Tragic Past: Err . . . none that we can see. Sure, he was used as a test subject in what seems to be a private science experiment by his crazy Dad, but that doesn't count as 'tragic' when you end up as a superhuman. 2/10.
Hint of Danger: Considerable. But given that his hobby is actively seeking out evildoers, one must ask whether that is really danger, or just plain stupidity. 6/10.
Dependability: According to his creator Lester Dent, he "embodies Christliness." Is unlikely to go on a booze, cocaine and hookers binge in Las Vegas, then. 9/10.
Perfect Man Total: 21

Henry DeTamble (from The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger)
Henry was born with a rare condition which causes him to involuntarily travel through time. When he travels, he leaves his clothes behind; he therefore often finds himself lost and naked in unfamiliar environments. He is therefore an expert runner, and is a (literally) self-trained burglar, pickpocket and brawler. Somehow, he has also found the time to develop a broad knowledge of art, art history and politics, and works as a librarian at Chicago's Newberry Library. Henry is also a skilled lover; as he himself humbly puts it, "if cunnilingus were an olympic sport, I'd definitely medal." Guys, remember that cute art history student you dated in university? When you were having sex, she was dreaming of Henry DeTamble.
Looks: Is supremely fit from his obsessive running. Will be played by Eric Bana in the film version. 7/10.
Tragic Past: His first serious girlfriend was a manic depressive who committed suicide. His mother was decapitated in a car accident with Henry in the car; his father is an alcoholic who holds Henry responsible for her death. 10/10.
Hint of Danger: Quite high. Henry is necessarily proficient at self-defence (read "ass-kicking"), and he knows his alphabet of illicit drugs. 7/10.
Dependability: Low. Prone to dangerous random jaunts through time which can last for days. 3/10.
Perfect Man Total: 27

Sir Galahad
Knight of the Round Table. Son of Sir Lancelot, who was considered the greatest of all King Arthur's knights. Embodies all that is noble, chivalrous, and holy, and thereofre is destined to attain the Holy Grail. May correctly be referred to as a holier-than-thou sunuvabitch.
Looks: Unfortunately, if the picture to the left is anything to go by, the most pure knight who ever lived was a ginge. 1/10.
Tragic Past: Being a bastard doesn't bar Galahad's meteoric rise; as soon as he arrives at Camelot, he accidentally sits in the Siege Perilous, a magical chair at the Round Table that incinerates anyone who sits in it unless they are pure enough to attain the Holy Grail. He survives, thus presaging his future. 3/10.
Hint of Danger: Galahad is destined to attain the Holy Grail, and as such he enjoys something of a charmed existence. After being thrown into prison and starved by the king of a Middle Eastern kingdom, the Grail appears and magically feeds him. Later, on his release, Galahad succeeds to the throne after the country's noblemen recognise his inherent piety. So, not much danger there, then. 0/10.
Dependability: Given that his entire destiny is preordained by God, he's clearly not in control of his own life. Also, this is a guy so damn pure and chaste, when he reaches the end of his life he doesn't even die - he instead ascends to heaven. 5/10.
Perfect Man Total: 9

Howard Roark (from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand)
Howard Roark is a passionate, talented architect who constantly finds himself at loggerheads with the architectural establishment, which rejects his ideas. A staunch individualist, Roark eventually dynamites his latest building rather than go through the indignity of having his perfect plans altered in any way. In other words, he's Ayn Rand's "projection of an ideal man," and a natural extension of her belief that arrogance is an integral component of genius.
Looks: Rand describes him as ruggedly handsome (well, she would, wouldn't she?) and Gary Cooper played him in the film version. 7/10.
Tragic Past: None. Even if he had one, he would have risen above it by sheer force of egoism and will. 0/10.
Hint of Danger: It's a measure of Rand's lust for her own creation that at one point of the novel Roark rapes the heroine, and she immediately falls in love with him. Um, what?? 8/10.
Dependability: Considering that he dynamites a building out of sheer pique, there is more than a smidgen of unstable psychopath in his makeup. 2/10.
Perfect Man Total: 17

Legolas
Blond, eternally youthful, girly-man elf who becomes entwined in the War of the Ring in Middle Earth. The phrase "Nazi Youth Poster Boy" comes to mind.
Looks: Flowing blond locks, dazzling blue eyes, high cheekbones; if he was any prettier he'd need breasts and lipstick. But girls like him, apparently. 9/10.
Tragic Past: Estimates at his age from the world's most dedicated nerds range from five hundred to nine hundred years. Either way, being immortal and all, he's got it pretty sweet - anyone who feels sorry for him is an idiot. Nul points. 0/10.
Hint of Danger: High. Spends an awful amount of time around monstrous enemies, whom he takes unusual delight in killing in increasingly gratuitous but undeniably cool action set pieces. 8/10.
Dependability: Very good. He's several hundred years old, and he's not going anywhere fast. 7/10.
Perfect Man Total: 24

Jesus Horatio Christ
Humble Jewish carpenter who was, in the words of Douglas Adams, "nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change." The son of God, executed for our sins, resurrected, yadda yadda yadda.
Looks: Great if you're into beards, Willem "Looks like I've had acid splashed on my face" Dafoe in Last Temptation of Christ, or the bloody beaten-to-a-pulp look of The Passion of the Christ. 5/10.
Tragic Past: He's the son of God. A double-edged sword; on the one hand he has miracles up the yin-yang, on the other, talk about the pressure of expectation. Gains bonus points for sacrificing himself for the sake of all mankind. 10/10.
Hint of Danger: Let's be clear on this. Jesus Christ is not likely to take you to the hottest clubs, drop E, dance till dawn, then take you home and freak you like you've never been freaked before. 0/10.
Dependability: Fairly good, but is annoyingly vacilious over the small matter of whether or not he's alive. 7/10.
Perfect Man Total: 22

Reed Richards aka "Mister Fantastic"
Mister Fantastic has the ability to stretch any part of his body - that's right, any part of his body - to any shape or size he desires. Ladies, a tip: When men are asked which superpower they want, no matter what they actually say, it's this one they're thinking of. Oh yeah, he's also meant to be the smartest guy in the world, or something.
Looks: When he's not looking like Gumby, imagine Ioan Gruffudd with a touch of Hugh Hefneresque grey in his sideburns (as per the pic to the left). 7/10.
Tragic Past: Blames himself for exposing lifelong friend Ben Grimm to 'cosmic rays', turning him into the hideous orange 'Thing.' However, given that those same cosmic rays gave him his stretching powers, don't expect him to find a cure anytime soon. 5/10.
Hint of Danger: Considerable. Amongst his enemies are chaps with names like 'Doctor Doom,' 'Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds,' and 'Psychotron, the Chainsaw Wielding Castrator' (alright, I made that last one up). 8/10.
Dependability: High. He is faithfully married to Sue 'Invisible Girl' Storm, though, so he loses points for his lack of availaiblity. 5/10.
Perfect Man Total: 25

This Guy
A few years ago, some nerds at the University of St Andrews in Scotland figured out exactly what facial features women look for in their perfect man. The image they finished up with was this guy. You can read all about it here.
Looks: Well, by definition, he's perfect isn't he? 10/10.
Tragic Past: Even though he's a digital composite of male perfection, you've got to feel for him. As a collection of zeroes and ones, his chances of scoring on any given Friday night would make Steve Urkel look like Hugh Hefner. 8/10.
Hint of Danger: Non-existent. 0/10.
Dependability: Hmm . . . No sneaking around behind your back, no arguments, no late night drunken benders with his mates, no lying, no break up. Like it says on the label: Perfect. 10/10.
Perfect Man Total: 28

Agree? Disagree? Comments? Death threats? Please leave a comment!

10 Movie Assholes

Today's List is a tribute to those characters designed to tweak our collective ires. I give you film's greatest assholes.

The List's standard spoiler warning: This List involves discussion of film plots, and contains plot spoilers. If you have not seen the films listed below, proceed at your own risk!

Private Hudson in Aliens
Asshole Credentials:
Asks Hispanic crewmate Vasquez if she's "ever been mistaken for a man;" later hurls a racial slur at her: "Right, right, someone said alien, she thought they said illegal alien and signed up." Loses his shit when things go bad, despite earlier bragging about his team being "ultimate bad asses." Makes an art form of hysterical complaining.
Most Assholish Line:
"Well that's great, that's just fuckin great man. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit now man . . . That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?"

Sully in Commando
Asshole Credentials:
Part of a mercenary cadre intent on returning corrupt dictator General Arius to power in the Central American republic of Val Verde. Kidnaps retired commando John Matrix's daughter to facilitate assassination of incumbent Val Verdean presidente. Makes unwelcome advances to comely air hostess Rae Dawn Chong. When she rejects, he calls her a "fucking whore." Is told by Matrix that he's "a funny guy," and will be killed last. Matrix lied.

Most Assholish Line:
See above. What an asshole.

Richard "Dick" Thornburg in Die Hard and Die Hard 2
Asshole Credentials:
Endangers cop John McClane's wife Holly when he interviews their family on live television while she is being held hostage by a band of German thieves. When said terrorists begin destroying police ordnance with a rocket launcher, his immediate reaction is to ensure that his cameraman got it on tape. Later, causes widespread panic at Dulles Airport when he phones in a report from an airplane and reveals that terrorists have control of the airport. Is tasered for his troubles.
Most Assholish Line:
Thornburg (assholishly trying to get an upgrade from economy to first class): "You cannot put me near that woman."
Stewardess: "Excuse me?"
Holly: "He means he's filed a restraining order against me. I'm not allowed within 50 feet of him."
Thornburg: "50 yards. So by keeping me in the section you are violating a court order. I can sue you and this airline. That woman assaulted me and she humiliated me in public."

Vicomte de Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons
Asshole Credentials:
Agrees to seduce, and thereby ruin, both the virginal Uma Thurman and the prudish Michelle Pfeiffer in exchange for one night with the evil Glenn Close. Forgets his first lesson from 'Asshole 101' and falls in love with Pfeiffer. Restores himself to pure assholedom by cruelly abandoning her at the behest of Close.
Most Assholish Line:
"You see, I have no intentions of breaking down her prejudices. I want her to believe in God and virtue and the sanctity of marriage, and still not be able to stop herself. I want the pleasure of watching her betray everything that is most important to her. Surely you can understand that."

Juror No. 3 in Twelve Angry Men
Asshole Credentials:
Once beat his 9-year-old son for running away from a fight. Hasn't seen said son, now an adult, for two years. Wants to send a young man charged with murdering his own father to the electric chair, despite a paucity of compelling evidence. Prone to emotional outbursts, which he blames on another juror's "goading."
Most Assholish Line:
"It's these kids - the way they are nowadays. When I was a kid I used to call my father, 'Sir'. That's right . . . 'Sir'. You ever hear a kid call his father that anymore?"

Tyler Durden in Fight Club
Asshole Credentials:
Believes in the Nietzschian credo that "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger." Is the alter ego of Edward Norton's unnamed narrator. Is more attractive, charismatic, and capable than Norton, and knows it. Has loud, raucous sex with a suicidal Helena Bonham Carter. Holds extreme anti-captialist and anti-consumerist beliefs. Masterminds "Project Mayhem," a plot to destroy the headquarters of the major credit card companies. Lays a trap to have Norton / himself castrated if he tries to stop him.
Most Assholish Line:
"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

Mister Pink in Reservoir Dogs
Asshole Credentials:
Refuses to tip waitresses. Bums cigarettes off others, despite having quit. Complains that his alias sounds too much like "Mister Pussy" and that he would prefer to be "Mister Black." In a diamond heist gone wrong, kills three cops - but no "real people." In the aftermath, tries to escape with the diamonds while everyone else in his crew is either dead or dying. Doesn't get far.
Most Assholish Line:
"I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise."

Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski
Asshole Credentials:
Connects everything to the Vietnam War, of which he is a veteran. Pulls a gun on a bowling opponent he suspects of cheating, because "it's a league game." Refuses to bowl on Saturday because he converted to Judaism from Polish Catholicism when he married his (now five years ex-) wife. Interferes in a ransom delivery in a doomed attempt to keep the money for himself. Attacks a corvette with a baseball bat on the mistaken assumption it was bought with said ransom money. Pulls a man off his wheelchair in an attempt to prove that he isn't really paralysed (he is). Takes exception to the price of his cremated friend's urn, and instead stores his ashes in a coffee can. Casts the ashes not over the Pacific Ocean, as intended, but over his best friend, The Dude. As The Dude says, "you're not wrong, Walter. You're just an asshole."
Most Assholish Line:
"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors . . . and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and . . . up to . . . Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
Asshole Credentials:
Plays polo not because he enjoys it, but because of the social and business contacts it provides him. Is a racist and an anti-semite, and disapproves of inter-racial marriage. Is outraged when he discovers that his wife Daisy is having an affair with Jay Gatsby, despite the fact he has been keeping a mistress himself. When his mistress is accidentally killed by Daisy in a road accident, he tells her grief-stricken husband that Gatsby was responsible, leading to Gatsby's murder.
Most Assholish Line:
"I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and relax, while Mr Nobody from Nowhere makes love to your wife, is that it? Well, if that is it, Daisy, count me out. Because let me make myself clear. People begin by sneering at family life, and family institutions, and before you know it, we'll have intermarriage between black and white!"

Alec Baldwin as Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross
Asshole Credentials:
Is given a brief to threaten, browbeat and humiliate a group of desperate, down-on-their-luck real estate agents. Takes to the task with unusual relish and more than a little profanity. In fact, his 7-minute sustained torrent of assholishness is so breathtaking, it deserves to be reproduced here in its entirety:

Most Assholish Line:
"Fuck you. That's my name. You know why, mister? 'Cos you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name."

Suggestions? Hate mail? Leave a comment!

10 Notorious Egotists

The following people, be they successes or failures, madmen or philosophers, all have one thing in common: a hugely inflated sense of self-importance.

Friedrich Nietzsche - German philosopher
His autobiography, Ecce Homo, has chapters entitled "Why I Am So Wise," "Why I Am So Clever," "Why I Write Such Good Books," and, err, "Why I Am a Destiny." Nietzsche himself modestly described his book Thus Spake Zarathustra as "the deepest ever written." In Twilight of the Idols he coined the phrase "whatever does not kill me, makes me stronger," a motto since adopted by entire generations of moody, self-absorbed adolescents who have obviously never been kicked in the nuts.

William Shatner - Canadian actor
Believed himself to be universally loved, despite his Star Trek colleagues and co-stars going on public record that he was "a prima donna " (George Takei), and an "arrogant, egotisitical, line-stealing showboater" (James Doohan). Embarked on a doomed musical career in the 1970s, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance of Elton John's Rocketman at a 1978 science fiction convention:

Whilst writing his Star Trek memoirs in the 1980s, was actually surprised to discover his former cast mates thought him to be a vain, self-centered prima donna. Was sufficiently worried about his middle-aged spread that he went on a starvation diet prior to filming the first Trek movie. In later films, he insisted that his backside be airbrushed in post production so as to appear thinner on film. Despite these insecurities, was so assured of his own machismo, he attempted (unsuccessfully) to seduce much younger co-stars Persis Khambatta (a former Miss India) and Kirstie Alley. In the 1990s, authored a novel in which Captain Kirk (who had been killed off in the films) is resurrected and kicks the ass of the entire Next Generation crew. Appropriately, Trekkies have their own term for this novel and its sequels to distinguish it from "proper" Trek: "The Shatnerverse."

Doctor Uwe Boll - German director
The director of such legendary shitfests as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne, Uwe Boll's films are little more than vehicles for tax write-offs for European investors and are universally reviled. Nevertheless, he defends them with zeal, saving most of his broken-English venom for his critics who are "guys writing all the Internet bullshit about me and sitting in their houses where mommy pays for everything." Rejected a draft screenplay for Alone in the Dark on the basis that it didn't have enough car chases, and subsequently told the writers "I was really angry, because I don’t think, that you’d ignore so many things, that apply to story telling basics!"
Boll's critics so infuriated him that in June 2006 he issued an open challenge for them to meet him, mano a mano, in a 10-round boxing match. Five movie critics stepped up to the plate. Despite describing the event as simply a "PR stunt," Boll, a former amateur boxer himself, trained seriously for the event. He won all five bouts comprehensively, beating Ain't It Cool News writer Jeff Sneider so badly that he required emergency medical attention.

Shane Warne - Australian cricketer
The first bowler to take 700 test wickets and widely considered the greatest legspinner ever to play the game. Early in his career, was expelled from the Australian cricket academy for allegedly exposing himself to a female Asian tourist around the team's hotel pool. In 1999, while under contract to promote a quit-smoking programme, was photographed by a pair of New Zealand teenagers having a cigarette. Warne pursued the boys, stole their bag and illegally confiscated their camera, which he returned only after police intervention. In 2003, after a suspiciously swift recovery from a dislocated shoulder, he tested positive for diuretics (a known steroid masking agent) and was banned from international cricket for a year. Warne claimed he had taken the diuretic on the recommendation of his mother, who wanted him to look slim on television. A string of publicised infidelities with, amongst others, a British nurse, a Melbourne stripper and a 46-year-old South African mother of three, all led to the breakdown of his marriage in 2005. Warne then concocted a harebrained last-throw-of-the-dice plan to save it by contriving a menage-a-trois with his wife and one of his mistresses. To no-one's surprise, he failed.

Ayn Rand - American writer
Aside from writing such libertarian wet dreams as Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead, this saucy minx also founded the Objectivist movement. The Objectivist philosophy can be summed up in six words: "Fuck you pal, I got mine!" Rand neatly divided everyone into one of two categories: Virile ubermensch captains of industry, and chumps.
Prior to her death, Rand objected to allegations that Objectivism had become a cult of personality. Since her death, the movement underwent a schism. On one side was the Ayn Rand Institute - those who believe Objectivism is a closed system that consists only of what Rand said and wrote ("Remember kids, we're not a cult of personality - her Randness said so herself!") - and on the other side were, well, sane people.

Kerry Packer - Australian media magnate
Billionaire patriarch of an Australian media dynasty, distinguishable from Rupert Murdoch only by their intense hatred of one another and the fact that Murdoch is alive and Packer is not.
Took over his father's newspaper business in the 1970s, which had acquired the burgeoning Channel 9 network. Engineered the World Series Cricket coup in the late 1970s as a response to being snubbed for Australian cricket broadcasting rights, robbing 'the establishment' of its best players for three years before a truce was reached. Flagrantly ignored international sporting boycotts of South Africa by contracting several players from the Republic. Sold Channel 9 to Alan Bond for a billion dollars in 1987, then bought it back three years later for less than half the price. A compulsive gambler, he had a habit of posting million-dollar wagers at a time. Was once challenged to a game of poker by a Texan oil tycoon; according to legend the exchange went along the lines of something like this:
Packer: "How much are you worth?"
Texan: "Don't you know who I am?"
Packer: "I don't give a rat's arse who you are, how much are you worth?"
Texan: "Sixty million dollars."
Packer (pulls out a coin): "I'll flip you for it."

James Cameron - Canadian director
Has ever a film-maker possessed so much hubris? Has twice made the most expensive film in history (Terminator 2 and Titanic), both within the space of 6 years. Was so determined that underwater sci-fi epic The Abyss was to be authentic that he constructed the largest underwater film set in the world . . . in a disused nuclear power reactor. The making of that film was so physically punishing that stars Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio have refused to ever work with Cameron again. Once, when filming a frustrating nighttime scene for the action flick True Lies, Cameron infamously declared that any extras who took a bathroom break shouldn't bother returning to the set. After the spectacular success of Titanic, both worldwide and at the Oscars, Cameron declared hismelf to be "king of the world!" and promptly entered semi-retirement. Since then, he has considered making a science fiction movie filmed entirely in zero gravity in orbit around Earth, and has recently claimed to have discovered the burial caskets of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. Craziest. Director. Ever.

Michael Jackson - American singer
Where to start? Here we have a man so obsessed with his appearance that he has undergone countless cosmetic operations the cumulative effect of which have mutilated a once-handsome face. His supposed persecution by the media and the courts since the mid 1990s have apparently given him a messianic complex. The cover art of his 1995 album HIStory featured a megalithic statue of himself. In 1996, 2 years after he reached that out-of-court settlement, he dressed in white and assumed Christ-like poses surrounded by adoring children and, oddly, a rabbi, whilst performing Earth Song at the Brit Awards, a show which also featured Jackson seemingly conquering whole armies with "love." For those of us who still didn't quite get the whole "I'm-actually-Jesus" thing, in 2003 he filmed a short movie to promote his planned album Resurrection, in which he played a man resurrected from the grave. Despite continuing media speculation, Jackson defied public scorn and continued to invite young boys to his Neverland ranch for "sleepovers." With depressingly inevitable consequences.

Kim Jong Il - North Korean dictator
Diminutive head of an impoverished state which is best described as a miniature Stalinist Russia. Despite the poverty of his nation, Kim (Jong? Jong-Il? Kimmie Baby?) reportedly has a cellar of over 10,000 wines, and a movie collection of over 20,000, err, videotapes. If the North Korean state media is to be believed, among Kim's accomplishments are writing six full-length operas, and scoring a record 38-under par over 18 holes at his first attempt ever at playing golf (including 5 holes-in-one). He also claims creative credit for the North Korea's most successful film, Diary of a Girl Student. Is there anything he can't do? Last year he also named his personally chosen "Three Fools" of the 21st Century: Those who are ignorant about computers; those who are ignorant about music; and those who smoke. What a guy.

Donald Trump - American entrepeneur
Obviously has issues over his perceived virility. There's that godawful hair for a start, and a tendency to name vast edifices and corporate monoliths after himself: The Trump Organisation, Trump Entertainment, the Trump Tower, the Trump World Tower, Trump Place, the Trump International Hotel and Tower, Trump Casino & Resorts, Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts, the Trump Plaza Hotel, the Trump Shuttle, Trump Hotels, Trump Entertainment Resort Holdings, Donald J Trump's Men's Collections, Trump Ice Bottled Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Magazine, Trump Golf, Trump University, Trump Mortgage, Trump Buffet, Trump Eaterie, Trump Ice Cream Parlour, Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Marina, the Estates at Trump National: Rancho Palos Verdes, Trump Grande, and the Tour de Trump bicycle race. In a supreme moment of hubris, he attempted to trademark the words "you're fired."

Normal Service Shall Resume Shortly

Due to circumstances beyond my control (namely, my wedding and subsequent honeymoon) there has been a substantial delay since the last update to this blog.

Umm, sorry.

Please be assured that normal transmission will resume shortly after my return home this weekend, with upcoming Lists including '10 Notorious Egotists' and '10 Movie Assholes.'

As always, comments, suggestions and criticisms are welcome. Feel free to email me or leave a comment.

10 Unofficial Remakes

This week's List is dedicated to those film which tread the fine line between homage and pure rip-off.

The Fast and the Furious (2001) = Point Break (1991)
Young undercover cop infiltrates a band of adrenalin junkies suspected of carrying out a series of daring heists, led by a guru who spouts pseudo-philosophical nonsense. The cop forms a bond with the leader, which is complicated when the cop falls in love with a girl close to the leader. The cop eventually chooses duty over loyalty; the ring is smashed, although the cop does allow the leader one last shot at freedom.
Further proof:
Even the pseudo-philosophical gibberish in both films has the same clunky ring to it: "Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true"; "I live my life a quarter mile at a time . . . for those ten seconds or less, I'm free."

Days of Thunder (1990) = Top Gun (1986)
Tom Cruise is a young hotshot who enters an institution for piloting high-speed vehicles. The competition is fierce and he butts heads with both his competitors and those in authority. He falls in love with a young doctor, who discover's that his bravado is merely cover for his deep-seated insecurities. After an accident, during which his only friend is incapacitated, the hotshot is temporarily dismissed from the institution. After swallowing his pride and facing his fears, however, he makes a triumphant return.
Further proof:
Reportedly, Days of Thunder was pitched to the studio as "Top Gun on wheels."

Independence Day (1996) = War of the Worlds (1953)
Earth is invaded by a bunch of aggressive, grotesque, aliens. Human technology is no match for them - even a direct hit with a nuclear weapon has no effect on their ships - and humankind is soon on the brink of total destruction. However, we are saved when the aliens fall prey to a virus.
Further proof:
Director Roland Emmerich and producer Dean Devlin had wanted to officially remake the George Pal classic. When they had trouble acquiring the rights to the title, they went ahead anyway. The resultant film became Independence Day.

A Fistful of Dollars (1964) = Yojimbo (1961)
A nameless wanderer breezes into a small town sometime in the 19th century. The town has been torn asunder by two warring gangs, and ordinary folk are getting caught in the middle. After the wanderer demonstrates his exceptional fighting prowess, both gangs court his services. The wanderer cunningly plays both sides off against each other while working to save a family caught in the crossfire. Eventually the Man With No Name's duplicity is discovered and he is given a sound beating; he escapes and, with the use of a plate of iron as armour, dispatches the last of the gangsters.
Further proof:
Akira Kurosawa sued Sergio Leone for copyright infringement and was awarded an apology, $100,000, and 15% of the film's gross in Asia in compensation. Kurosawa apparently said "it is a very fine film, but it is my film."

Trainspotting (1996) = A Clockwork Orange (1971)
The protagonist is an intelligent, charismatic young man who has a deep-seated addiction to an illicit, highly illegal, activity. He and his friends, who share the same addiction, actively participate in acts of violence to feed it. At least one of his friends is a brutal psychopath. After undergoing a harrowing treatment in an attempt to cure his addiction the protagonist appears to be cured, but the film's ambiguous ending suggests that any cure may only be temporary.
Further proof:
The writing's on the wall - literally. The wall art at Trainspotting's Volcano nightclub is the same as that at Orange's Korova milk bar.

Into the Blue (2005) = The Deep (1977)
A treasure-hunting couple in the Bahamas discovers a wreck containing millions of dollars in gold bullion. Their efforts at making a claim, however, are complicated by the discovery of another wreck nearby containing millions of dollars in narcotics. In order to recover the gold, the couple need to make a deal with the unsavoury characters who are after the drugs.
Further proof:
Let's not worry aboput proof. Let's just compare the following promotional photos from the films:












'Nuff said.

Entrapment (1999) = The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)
Bored wealthy dashingly handsome devil-may-care playboy conceives the theft of the century. He is opposed by an infeasibly sexy female . . . erm, insurance investigator. Flirtatious cat-and-mouse shenanigans ensue and, succumbing to the playboy's charms, she becomes a willing collaborator in his scheme.
Further proof:
The story goes that when MGM wanted to remake Thomas Crown, they came down to two scripts. The one they chose eventually became the 1999 remake starring Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo; the on they rejected was sold to 20th Century Fox and became Entrapment.

The Island (2005) = Logan's Run (1976)
In the future, a society lives within a large futuristic dome. The inhabitants of the dome are well cared for and have all their needs attended to. They also have numbers in their names and instruments on their wrist that indicate changes to their wellbeing. The price to pay for this seemingly idyllic lifestyle is that the inhabitants are routinely culled under false pretences. Two young, impossibly attractive inhabitants wonder whether there's more to life than this. They escape and discover that there is a world outside the dome. They are chased, fall in love, defeat their pursuers, and return to destroy the dome and reveal the truth to the other inhabitants.
Further proof:
Logan's Run is clearly not the only influence; see here for a list of other 'inspirations'.

Enemy Mine (1985) = Hell in the Pacific (1968)
Soldiers from opposing nations during a war meet in battle and are separated from their colleagues. They find themselves trapped with each other in a hostile, unfamiliar environment. Although initially hostile to one another, they soon learn that they must work together if they are to survive their predicament. Each gains a grudging respect for the other's culture. Ultimately they must confront a mutual enemy that threatens both of them.
Further proof:
To be fair, Enemy Mine is based on a novella by science fiction author Barry B Longyear. However, Longyear has conceded that Hell in the Pacific was an influence on the novella.

Disturbing Behavior (1998) = The Stepford Wives (1975)
A family moves to a peaceful suburb in the Midwest USA. One of the members of the family is appalled by his / her peers in the town, who are well-behaved, obedient, and placid. He / she begin investigating with a friend and discovers that the peers are that way because they have been replaced with robotic duplicates. The friend falls prey to this fate, and the family member discovers with dismay that the rest of the family wants to give him / her the same "treatment."
Further proof:
Check out this scathing review. If CNN agrees with me, I must be right.

Guest List: 10 Annoying Songs . . .

. . . to Which I am Regularly Subjected as a Consequence of One of My Colleagues Listening to Classic Hits on a Shitty Transistor Radio All Day.

Today's Guest List is courtesy of Mr A of Parnell. Enjoy!

The Power of Love - Jennifer Rush
Holds the unfortunate distinction of not even being the best song called Power of Love (this one comes in a distant third of the three that I can think of, with Frankie Goes To Hollywood ahead of Huey Lewis and the News). This is one of the 4 or 5 songs which Classic Hits plays on a daily basis, which is fairly galling because (a) they advertise themselves as having a "no-repeat work day" (which, while technically true, would be much more welcome paired with a "no-repeat work week"); and (b) by virtue of being a Classic Hits station, they have 50 years of popular music canon to draw from, so why they should feel the need to play this turgid piece of shit every day is entirely beyond me. This makes number one by also having one of those drawn out hooks in the chorus that makes it nigh-impossible to remove from your head once you've heard it.

My Cherie Amour - Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder is one of my favourite musicians of all time, and I own 3 or 4 of his studio albums (which I believe is a rare thing in the age at which every artist with more than 2 albums under their belt is deemed worthy of a greatest hits compilation, at which point the albums tend to disappear out of print). I don't necessarily loathe this song (or at least I didn't used to, although it was certainly never a favourite) but after months of exposure to the horror that is Classic Hits it's the only Stevie Wonder song I've heard. No Superstition, no I Wish, no Living For The City, no Uptight (Everything's Alright), not even I Just Called To Say I Love You. Just this one, over and over and over again.

You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone / Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
I have bracketed these two because, as far as I can tell, they are basically the same song with different words, one sung by a woman and one sung by what could loosely be described as a man. This is some of the most scrotum-crawlingly saccharine music ever committed to tape, and incidentally both songs figure on this list at numbers 19 and 8 respectively. Which sadly hasn't stopped Classic Hits from playing them to death.

Blame It On The Bossanova - Eydie Gorme
Blame It On The Bossanova is to the bossanova as 2 Legit 2 Quit is to hip hop. The fact that this song is a watered down version of actual bossanova is fairly bad, the sub-Mambo Italiano lyrics are worse, and the claim that the bossanova is the "dance of love" is patently ridiculous (I thought that was the Running Man). But the worst thing about this song is the fact that Classic Hits play it every single day, which is almost enough to send me on a shooting rampage.

Boy From New York City - Manhattan Transfer
Jazz vocal groups are a sketchy proposition at the best of times. Manhattan Transfer are one of the worst offenders, and this is one of their worst songs - a novelty tune that is one step up from Who Let The Dogs Out, one step down from Video Killed The Radio Star, and FAR TOO AWFUL TO JUSTIFY PLAYING EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Take A Letter Maria - R B Greaves
One of the more quietly mysoginistic offerings from the sixties, featuring one of the most nagging, banal choruses ever written. It's amazing how many of these songs are one hit wonders. The pseudo-Latin sound is almost as annoying as Blame It On The Bossanova, and the repeat airplay given to this annoying sixties one-hit wonder is patently ridiculous.

I'm Coming Out - Diana Ross
Both for the crushing disappointment that it isn't the I'm Coming Out-sampling Mo' Money Mo' Problems by Notorious B.I.G, and for the waste of a relatively interesting drum break in the intro on what is inevitably a bland, unengaging song. Also, Diana Ross is crazy and evil, and any airplay is only prolonging her ability to hire personal assistants to abuse while hopped up on Valium.

Baby Baby - Amy Grant
I hadn't heard this song in around 15 years until recently, but, lucky me, now I get to hear it all the time. Another one hit wonder who, just like Debbie Boone, warbles for Jesus. If there's a worse part to any song ever written than the horrible, even-Kenny-G-would-have-made-this-sound-more-edgy sax break, I haven't heard it. Along with plagues, famines and Ben Affleck, this song is more proof, if any was needed, that God hates all of us.

The Pied Piper - Del Shannon
This song was used on an ad (I think it was a car ad) for a couple of years, and I grew heartily sick of it and was glad when they stopped screening it. It is now a repeat offender on Classic Hits (in more ways than one - even in the era of Surfin' Bird and Louie Louie it would have been one of the more repetitive songs on offer), and its reedy backing music and nagging tune are the perfect compliment for the tinny, trebly transistor. Nobody give me a gun.

Take It Easy - The Eagles
To quote The Dude: "I hate the fucking Eagles, man."